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A  BAYARD    FROM    BENGAL 


By  F,  ANSTEY. 

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AUTHOR'S  NOTE  OX  ILLUSTRATION  No.  II. 

{Frontispiece). 


Had  Mr  Bernadhur  Pahtridhji  taken  the  very  ordinary 
precaution  to  consult  inyself  upon  the  etiquettes  pro- 
scribed by  smart  society,  I  should  infallibly  have  saved 
him  from  so  shocking  an  exhibition  of  his  ignorance. 

As  it  is,  I  can  only  say  that  of  course  a  highly  cultivated 
Indian  gentleman  like  Mr  Bhosh  would  not  dream  of  pre- 
senting himself  at  any  upper-class  entertainment — even 
a  liaronet's — in  so  free  and  easy  a  garbage  as  a  smokei-'s 
jacket.  Were  he  to  be  guilty  of  such  want  of  savoir /aire 
he  would  inevitably  incur  some  penalty  kick  or  other. 

Moreover,  at  these  functions  the  hired  musicians  are 
never  compelled  to  remove  their  shoes  and  stockings. 

Another  correction  I  hazard  with  rather  less  confidence, 
as  I  am  unable  at  this  moment  to  consult  any  authorised 
work  on  ducal  head  coverings.  But  I  am  practically 
certain  that  all  the  duchesses  whom  I  have  had  the 
privilege  to  encounter  at  fashionable  soirees  wore 
coronets  surmounted  with  golden  balls,  and  of  an 
altogether  different  pattern  from  the  very  humdrum 
concern  which  Mr  Pahtridhji  has  thought  proper  to 
represent  on  the  Duchess  of  Dickinson's  cranium. 

I  fear  I  must  again  ask  the  critic's  kind  indulgence  for 
an  illustrator  who  has  only  too  obviously  never  figured  as 
the  hailfellow  well-met  in  aristocratic  London  saloons. 

H.  B.  J. 


^F^ 


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^:iA 


^W  ^-<^^^r^ /ti^k 


Hi  ^  M"^^::^ 


EXHORTED    III  R.    WITH    AN    ELOQUENCE    THAT    MOVED    ALL    PRESENT, 
TO    AliANDON    HER    FRIVOLITIES    AND    LEVITIES. 


A  BAYARD 
FROM  BENGAL 


Being  some  account  of  the  Magnificent 
and  Spanking  Career  of  Chunder  Bindabun 
Bhosh,  Esq.,  B.  A.,  Cambridge,  by 
Hurry  Bungsho  Jabberjee,  B.A.,  Cal- 
cutta University,  author  of  Jottings  and 
Tittlings,  etc,  etc.,  to  which  is  appended 
the  Parables  and  Proverbs  of  Piljosh, 
freely  translated  from  the  Original 
Styptic  by  Another  Hand,  with  Intro- 
duction, Notes,  and  Appendix  by  the 
above    Hurry     Bungsho    Jabberjee,     B.  A. 


THE  WHOLE  EDITED   AND   REVISED  BY 

F.  ANSTEY 

Author  of  Vice  Versa,  The  Brass  Bottle,  etc. 


<ft  WITH     EIGHT      ILLUSTRATIONS     BY 

BERNARD      PARTRIDGE 


I  New     Tork  I 

%         D.     APPLETON     AND     COMPANY  % 

%  I  9  O  2  % 


Copyright,  igo2 
By  D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 


Publinhcd  October,  1902 


LIBRARY 

lUMVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNU 
SANTA  BARBARA 


CONTENTS 


CHAP.  PAGB 

I.  From  Calcutta  to  Cambridge  Oversea 

Route  ......   i 

II.  How  Mr  Bhosh  Delivered  a  Damsel  from 

a  Demented  Cow       ....       8 

III.  The  Involuntary  Fascinator  .  ,  .16 

IV.  A  Kick  from  a  Friendly  Foot  .  .      24 
V.  The  Duel  to  the  Death          .          .  .33 

VI.  Lord  Jolly  is  Satisfied  .  .  ,  .41 

VII.  The  Adventure  of  the  Unwieldy  Gifthorse      48 

VIII,  A  Rightabout  Facer  for  Mr  Bhosii  .  .      55 

IX.  The  Dark  Horse  .  .  .  .  .63 

X.  Trust  Her  Not  !    She  is  Fooling  Thle  !     .      70 


vi  CONTENTS 

CHAP  PAGE 

XI.  Stone  Walls  do  not  make  a  Cage  .  .     78 

XII.  A  Race  against  Time      .          .  .  .86 

XIII.  A  Sensational  Derby  Struggle  ,  .      93 

XIV.  A  Grand  Finish     .          .          .  .  .102 


The  Parables  of  Piljosh         .  .  ,  .111 


LIST   OF    ILLUSTRATIONS 

PAGB 

"Exhorted  her,  with  an  Eloquence  that  moved 
all  present,  to  abandon  her  frivolities  and 
Levities  .....  Frontispiece 

"  Gave  the  Animal  into  Custody  as  a  Disturber  of 
the  Peace"       .  .  ,  .  .  .12 

"  Dismayed  the  Beast  by  his  determined  and 
ferocious  aspect"      .  .  .  .  .28 

"The  Bullet  had  perforated  a  large  circular 
orifice  in  Honble  Bodger's  Hat"  .  .    42 

"  The  Cantankerous  Steed  executed  a  Leap  with 

Astounding  Agility"  .  .  .  .50 

" '  My  Daughter,  I  foresee  many  Calamities  which 

WILL  inevitably  BEFALL  THEE'"       .  .  .58 

"  The  Road  was  chocked  full  with  every  descrip- 
tion of  conveyance".  .  .  .  .88 

"The  Notorious  Blue  Ribbon  was  pinned  by  the 
Judge  upon  his  proud  and  heaving  Bosom"    .  io6 


^ 


PRELIMINARY 

I  HAVE  the  honour  humbly  to  inform  my 
readers  that,  after  prolonged  consumption 
of  midnight  oil,  I  succeeded  in  completing  this 
imposing  society  novel,  which  is  now,  by  the 
indulgence  of  my  friends  and  kind  fathers,  the 
honble  publishers,  laid  at  their  feet. 

My  inducement  to  this  enterprise  was  the 
spectacle  of  very  inferior  rubbish  palmed  off  by 
so-called  popular  novelists  such  as  Honbles 
Kipling,  Joshua  Barrie,  Antony  Weyman, 
Stanley  Hope,  and  the  collaborative  but 
feminine  authoresses  of  "  The  Red  Thumb  in 
the  Pottage,"  all  of  whom  profess  (very,  very 
incorrectly)  to  give  accurate  reliable  descrip- 
tions of  Indian,  English  or  Scotch  episodes. 

The  pity  of  it,  that  a  magnificent  and  gullible 
British  Public  should  be  suckled  like  a  babe  on 
such  spoonmeat  and  small  beer ! 


X        A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Would  no  one  arise,  inflamed  by  the  pure 
enthusiasm  of  his  cacoethes  scribendi,  and  write 
a  romance  which  shall  secure  the  plerophory 
of  British,  American,  Anglo-Indian,  Colonial, 
and  Continental  readers  by  dint  of  its  imaginary 
power  and  slavish  fidelity  to  Nature  ? 

And  since  Echo  answered  that  no  one  replied 
to  this  invitation,  I  (like  a  fool,  as  some  will 
say)  rushed  in  where  angels  were  apprehensive 
of  being  too  bulky  to  be  borne. 

Being  naturally  acquainted  with  gentlemen 
of  my  own  nationality  and  education,  and  also, 
of  course,  knowing  London  and  suburban 
society  ab  ovo  usque  ad  mala  (or,  from  the 
new-laid  ^<g<g  to  the  stage  when  it  is  beginning 
to  go  bad),  I  decided  to  take  as  my  theme  the 
adventures  of  a  typically  splendid  representative 
of  Young  India  on  British  soil,  and  I  am  in 
earnest  hopes  to  avoid  the  shocking  solecisms 
and  exaggerations  indulged  in  by  ordinary 
English  novelists. 

I  have  been  compelled  to  take  to  penmanship 
of  this  sort  owing  to  pressure  of  res  a7igusta 


PRELIMINARY  xi 

domi,  the  immoderate  increase  of  hostages  to 
fortune,  and  proportionate  falling  off  of  emolu- 
ments from  my  profession  as  Barrister-at- 
Law. 

Therefore,  I  hope  that  all  concerned  will 
smile  favourably  upon  my  new  departure,  and 
will  please  kindly  understand  that,  if  my 
English  literary  style  has  suffered  any  de- 
terioration, it  is  solely  due  to  my  being  out  of 
practice,  and  such  spots  on  the  sun  must  be 
excused  as  mere  flies  in  ointment. 

After  forming  my  resolution  of  writing  a 
large  novel,  I  confided  it  to  my  crony,  Mr  Ram 
Ashootosh  Lall,  who  warmly  recommended 
me  to  persevere  in  such  a  magnum  opus.  So 
I  became  divinely  inflated  periodically  every 
evening  from  8  to  12  p.m.,  disregarding  all 
entreaties  from  feminine  relatives  to  stop  and 
indulge  in  a  blow-out  on  ordinary  eatables, 
like  Archimedes  when  Troy  was  captured, 
who  was  so  engrossed  in  writing  prepositions 
on  the  sand  that  he  was  totally  unaware  that 
he  was  being  barbarously  slaughtered. 


xii   A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

And  at  length  my  colossal  effusion  was 
completed,  and  I  had  written  myself  out ;  after 
which  I  had  the  indescribable  joy  and  felicity 
to  read  my  composition  to  my  mothers-in-law 
and  wives  and  their  respective  progenies  and 
offspring,  whereupon,  although  they  were  not 
acquainted  with  a  word  of  English,  they  were 
overcome  by  such  severe  admiration  for  my 
fecundity  and  native  eloquence  that  they 
swooned  with  rapture. 

I  am  not  a  superstitious,  but  I  took  the  trouble 
to  consult  a  soothsayer,  as  to  the  probable 
fortunes  of  my  undertaking,  and  he  at  once 
confidently  predicted  that  my  novel  was  to 
render  all  readers  dumb  as  fishes  with  sheer 
amazement  and  prove  a  very  fine  feather  in 
my  cap. 

For  all  the  above  reasons,  I  am  modestly 
confident  that  it  will  be  generally  recognised 
as  a  masterpiece,  especially  when  it  is  remem- 
bered that  it  is  the  work  of  a  native  Indian, 
whose  'prentice  hand  is  still  a  novice  in  wield- 
inpf  the  currente  calamo  of  fiction. 

o 


PRELIMINARY  xiii 

I  cannot  conclude  without  some  allusion  to 
the  drawings  which  are,  I  believe,  to  adorn 
my  work,  but  which  I  have  not  yet  been 
enabled  to  inspect,  owing  to  the  fact  that, 
having  fish  of  more  importance  to  fry  at  the 
time,  I  commissioned  a  certain  young  English 
friend  (the  same  who  furnished  sundry  poetic 
headings  for  chapters)  to  engage  a  designer 
for  the  pictorial  department. 

Needless  to  say,  I  intended  that  he  was  to 
award  the  apple  only  to  some  Royal  Acade- 
mician of  distinguished  talents  —  yet  at  the 
eleventh  hour,  when  too  late  to  make  other 
arrangements,  I  am  informed  that  the  job  has 
been  entrusted  to  a  certain  Birnadhur  Paht- 
ridhji,  whose  name  (though  probably  incorrectly 
transcribed)  certainly  denotes  a  draughtsman 
of  native  Indian  origin! 

Whether  he  is  fully  competent  for  such  a 
task  I  cannot  at  present  say.  But,  unless  he 
is  qualified,  like  myself,  by  actual  residence 
in  Great  Britain,  I  fear  that  he  may  not  possess 
sufficient    familiarity    with    the    customs    and 


xiv  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

solecisms  of  English  society  to  avoid  at  least 
a  few  ludicrous  and  even  lamentable  mistakes. 

To  guard  against  such  contingencies  I  shall 
insert  a  note  or  comment  opposite  each  picture 
as  it  is  submitted  to  me,  pointing  out  in  what 
respects  (if  any)  the  artist  has  failed  to  repre- 
sent the  author's  intentions. 

I  sincerely  hope  that  I  may  now  and  then 
be  able  to  pat  the  aforesaid  Mr  P.  on  the  back 
instead  of  acting  as  a  Rhadamanthus  to  rap 
his  knuckles. 


A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

CHAPTER  I 

FROM   CALCUTTA   TO   CAMBRIDGE 
OVERSEA   ROUTE 

At  sea  the  stoutest  stomach  jerks, 
Far,  far  away  from  native  soil, 
When  Ocean's  heaving  waterworks 
Burst  out  in  Brobdingnagian  boil  ! 

Stanza  written  at  Sea,  hy  H.  B.  J.  {unpublishea). 

THE  waves  of  Neptune  erected  their 
seething  and  angry  crests  to  incredible 
altitudes ;  overhead  in  fuliginous  storm-clouds 
the  thunder  rumbled  its  terrific  bellows,  and 
from  time  to  time  the  ghastly  flare  of  light- 
ning illuminated  the  entire  neighbourhood. 
The  tempest  howled  like  a  lost  dog  through 
the  cordage  of  the  good  ship  Rohilkund 
(Captain  O.  Williams),  which  lurched  through 
the  vasty  deep  as  though  overtaken  by  the 
drop  too  much. 


2        A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

At  one  moment  her  poop  was  pointed  to- 
wards celestial  regions ;  at  another  it  aimed 
itself  at  the  recesses  of  Davey  Jones's  locker ; 
and  such  was  the  fury  of  the  gale  that  only  a 
paucity  of  the  ship's  passengers  remained  per- 
pendicular, and  Mr  Chunder  Bindabun  Bhosh 
was  recumbent  on  his  beam  end,  prostrated  by 
severe  sickishness,  and  hourly  expecting  to 
become  initiated  in  the  Great  Secret. 

Bitterly  did  he  lament  his  hard  lines  in 
venturing  upon  the  Black  Water,  to  be  snipped 
off  in  the  flower  of  his  adolescence,  and  never 
again  to  behold  the  beloved  visages  of  his 
relations ! 

So  heartrending  were  his  tears  and  groans 
that  they  moved  all  on  board,  and  Honble 
Mr  Commissioner  Copsey,  who  was  returning 
on  leave,  kindly  came  to  inquire  the  cause  of 
such  vociferous  lachrymation. 

"What  is  the  matter,  Baboo?"  began  the 
Commissioner  in  paternal  tones.  "  Why  are 
you  kicking  up  the  shindy  of  such  a  deuce's 
own  hullabaloo  ?  " 


CALCUTTA  TO  CAMBRIDGE        3 

"  Because,  honble  Sir,"  responded  Mr 
Bhosh,  *'  I  am  in  lively  expectation  that 
waters  will  rush  in  and  extinguish  my  vital 
spark." 

"  Pooh  ! "  said  Mr  Commissioner,  genially. 
"  This  is  only  the  moiety  of  a  gale,  and  there 
is  not  the  slightest  danger." 

Having  received  this  assurance,  Mr  Bhosh 's 
natural  courage  revived,  and,  coming  up  on 
deck,  he  braved  the  tempest  with  the  cool 
composure  of  a  cucumber,  admonishing  all 
his  fellow-passengers  that  they  were  not  to 
give  way  to  panic,  seeing  that  Death  was 
the  common  lot  of  all,  and,  though  every- 
one must  die  once,  it  was  an  experience  that 
could  not  be  repeated,  with  much  philosophy  of 
a  similar  kind  which  astonished  many  who  had 
falsely  supposed  him  to  be  a  pusillanimous. 

The  remainder  of  the  voyage  was  un- 
eventful, and,  soon  after  setting  his  feet  on 
British  territory,  Mr  Bhosh  became  an  alum- 
nus and  undergraduate  of  the  Alma  Maier 
of  Cambridge. 


4        A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

I  shall  not  attempt  to  relate  at  any  great 
length  the  history  of  his  collegiate  career, 
because,  being  myself  a  graduate  of  Calcutta 
University,  I  am  not,  of  course,  proficient  in 
the  customs  and  etiquettes  of  any  rival  semi- 
naries, and  should  probably  make  one  or 
two  trivial  slips  which  would  instantly  be 
pounced  upon  and  held  up  for  derision  by 
carping  critics. 

So  I  shall  content  myself  with  mention- 
inof  a  few  leadingf  facts  and  incidents.  Mr 
Bhosh  very  soon  wormed  himself  into  the 
good  graces  of  his  fellow  college  boys,  and 
his  principal  friend  and  fidus  Achates  was  a 
young  high-spirited  aristocrat  entitled  Lord 
Jack  Jolly,  the  only  son  of  an  earl  who 
had  lately  been  promoted  to  the  dignity  of  a 
baronetcy. 

Lord  Jolly  and  Mr  Bhosh  were  soon  as 
inseparable  as  a  Daemon  and  Pythoness,  and, 
though  no  nabob  to  wallow  in  filthy  lucre, 
Mr  Bhosh  gave  frequent  entertainments  to 
his    friends,    who   were    hugely   delighted    by 


CALCUTTA  TO  CAMBRIDGE        5 

the  elegance  of  his  hospItaHty  and  the  gar- 
rulity of  his  conversation. 

Unfortunately  the  fame  of  these  Barmecide 
feasts  soon  penetrated  the  ears  of  the  College 
gurus,  and  Mr  Bhosh's  Moolovee  sent  for  him 
and  severely  reprimanded  him  for  neglecting 
to  study  for  his  Littlego  degree,  and  squander- 
ing his  immense  abilities  and  talents  on  mere 
guzzling. 

Whereupon  Mr  Bhosh  shed  tears  of  con- 
trition, embracing  the  feet  of  his  senile  tutor, 
and  promising  that,  if  only  he  was  restored 
to  favour  he  would  become  more  diligent  in 
future. 

And  honourably  did  he  fulfil  this  7iudum 
pactum,  for  he  became  a  most  exemplary  book- 
worm, burning  his  midnight  candle  at  both 
ends  in  the  endeavour  to  cram  his  mind  with 
belles  lettres. 

But  he  was  assailed  by  a  temptation  which 
I  cannot  forbear  to  chronicle.  One  evening 
as  he  was  poring  over  his  learned  tomes,  who 
should  arrive  but  a  deputation    of  prominent 


6        A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Cambridge  boatmen  and  athletics,  to  entreat  him 
to  accept  a  stroke  oar  of  the  University  eight 
in  the  forthcoming  race  with  Oxford  College  ! 

This,  as  all  aquatics  will  agree,  was  no  small 
compliment — particularly  to  one  who  was  so 
totally  unversed  in  wielding  the  flashing  oar. 
But  the  authorities  had  beheld  him  propelling 
a  punt  boat  with  marvellous  dexterity  by  dint 
of  a  paddle,  and,  taking  the  length  of  his  foot 
on  that  occasion,  they  had  divined  a  Hercules 
and  ardently  desired  him  as  a  confederate. 

Mr  Bhosh  was  profoundly  moved:  "College 
misters  and  friends,"  he  said,  *'  I  welcome  this 
invitation  with  a  joyful  and  thankful  heart,  as 
an  honour — not  to  this  poor  self,  but  to  Young 
India.  Nevertheless,  I  am  compelled  by  Dira 
Necessitas  to  return  the  polite  negative.  Gladly 
I  would  help  you  to  inflict  crushing  defeat 
upon  our  presumptuous  foe,  but  '  I  see  a  hand 
you  cannot  see  that  beckons  me  away ;  I 
hear  a  voice  you  cannot  hear  that  wheezes 
"Not  to-day"!'  In  other  words,  gentlemen, 
I    am    now    actively    engaged    in    the    Titanic 


CALCUTTA  TO  CAMBRIDGE        7 

struggle  to  floor  Littlego.  It  is  glorious  to 
obtain  a  victory  over  Oxonian  rivals,  but, 
misters,  there  is  an  enemy  it  is  still  more 
glorious  to  pulverize,  and  that  enemy  is — 
one's  self ! " 

The  deputation  then  withdrew  with  falling 
crests,  though  unable  to  refrain  from  admiring 
the  firmness  and  fortitude  which  a  mere  Native 
student  had  nilled  an  invitation  which  to  most 
European  youths  would  have  proved  an  irre- 
sistible attraction. 

Nor  did  they  cherish  any  resentment  against 
Mr  Bhosh,  even  when,  in  the  famous  inter-col- 
legiate race  of  that  year  from  Hammersmith  to 
Putney,  Cambridge  was  ingloriously  bumped, 
and  Oxford  won  in  a  common  canter. 


CHAPTER  II 

HOW  MR  BHOSH  DELIVERED  A  DAMSEL 
FROM  A  DEMENTED  COW 

O  Cow !    in  hours  of  mental  ease 
Thou  chewest  cuds  beneath  the  trees  ; 
But  ah !   when  madness  racks  thy  brow, 
An  awkward  customer  art  thou ! 

Nature  Poem  furnished  {to  order)  by  young  English  Friend. 

MR  BHOSH'S  diligence  at  his  books 
was  rewarded  by  getting  through  his 
Little-go  with  such  ^clat  that  he  was  admitted 
to  become  a  baccalaureate,  and  further  pre- 
sented with  the  greatest  distinction  the  Vice- 
Chancellor  could  bestow  upon  him,  viz.,  the 
title  of  a  Wooden  Spoon ! 

But  here  I  must  not  omit  to  narrate  a 
somewhat  startling  catastrophe  in  which  Mr 
Bhosh  figured  as  the  god  out  of  machinery. 
It   was    on  an  afternoon  before    he    went    up 


THE  DEMENTED  COW  9 

to  pass  his  Little-go  exam,  and,  since  all 
work  and  no  play  is  apt  to  render  any  Jack 
a  dull,  he  was  recreating  himself  by  a  solitary 
promenade  in  some  fields  in  the  vicinity  of 
Cambridge,  when  suddenly  his  startled  ears 
were  dumbfounded  to  perceive  the  blood- 
curdling sound  of  loud  female  vociferations ! 

On  looking  up  from  his  reverie,  he  was 
horrified  by  the  spectacle  of  a  young  and 
beauteous  maiden  being  vehemently  pursued 
by  an  irate  cow,  whose  reasoning  faculties 
were  too  obviously,  in  the  words  of  Ophelia, 
"like  sweet  bells  bangled,"  or,  in  other  words, 
non  compos  mentis,  and  having  rats  in  her 
upper  story ! 

The  young  lady,  possessing  the  start  and 
also  the  advantage  of  superior  juvenility,  had 
the  precedence  of  the  cow  by  several  yards, 
and  attained  the  umbrageous  shelter  of  a  tree 
stem,  behind  which  she  tremulously  awaited 
the  arrival  of  her  blood-thirsty  antagonist. 

As  he  noted  her  jewel-like  eyes,  profuse 
hair,  and  panting  bosom,  Mr  Bhosh's  triangle 


10      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

of  flesh  *  was  instantaneously  ignited  by  love 
at  first  sight  (the  intelligent  reader  will 
please  understand  that  the  foregoing  refers 
to  the  maiden  and  not  at  all  to  the  cow, 
which  was  of  no  excessive  pulchritude — but 
I  am  not  to  be  responsible  for  the  am- 
biguities of  the  English  language). 

There  was  not  a  moment  to  be  squandered ; 
Mr  Bhosh  had  just  time  to  recommend  her 
earnestly  to  remain  in  statu  quo,  before  sett- 
ing off  to  run  ventre  d  terre  in  the  direction 
whence  he  had  come.  The  distracted  animal, 
abandoning  the  female  in  distress,  immediately 
commenced  to  hue-and-cry  after  our  hero, 
who  was  compelled  to  cast  behind  him  his 
collegiate  cap,  like  tub  to  a  whale. 

The  savage  cow  ruthlessly  impaled  the  cap 
on  one  of  its  horns,  and  then  resumed  the 
chase. 

Mr  Bhosh  scampered  for  his  full  value, 
but,  with  all  his  incredible  activity,  he  had 
the  misery  of  feeling  his  alternate  heels 
*  Videlicet :  his  heart. 


THE  DEMENTED  COW  11 

scorched  by  the  fiery  snorts  of  the  maniacal 
quadruped. 

Then  he  stripped  from  his  shoulders  his 
student's  robe,  relinquishing  it  to  the  tender 
mercies  of  his  ruthless  persecutress  while  he 
nimbly  surmounted  a  gate.  The  cow  only 
delayed  sufficiently  to  rend  the  garment  into 
innumerable  fragments,  after  which  it  cleared 
the  gate  with  a  single  hop,  and  renewed  the 
chase  after  Mr  Bhosh's  stern,  till  he  was 
forced  to  discard  his  ivory-headed  umbrella 
to  the  animal's  destroying  fury. 

This  enabled  him  to  gain  the  walls  of  the 
town  and  reach  the  bazaar,  where  the  whole 
population  was  in  consternation  at  witnessing 
such  a  shuddering  race  for  life,  and  made 
themselves  conspicuous  by  their  absence  in 
back  streets. 

Mr  Bhosh,  however,  ran  on  undauntedly, 
until,  perceiving  that  the  delirious  creature 
was  irrevocably  bent  on  running  him  to 
earth,  he  took  the  flying  leap  into  the 
shop  of  a  cheese  merchant,  where  he  cleverly 


12      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

entrenched  himself  behind  the  receipt  of 
custom. 

With  the  headlong  impetuosity  of  a  dis- 
traught the  cow  followed,  and  charged  the 
barrier  with  such  insensate  fury  that  her 
horns  and  appertaining  head  were  inextric- 
ably imbedded  in  a  large  tub  of  margarine 
butter. 

At  this  our  hero,  judging  that  the  wings 
of  his  formidable  foe  were  at  last  clipped, 
sallied  boldly  forth,  and,  summoning  a  police- 
officer,  gave  the  animal  into  custody  as  a 
disturber  of  the  peace. 

By  such  coolness  and  savoir  faire  in  a 
distressing  emergency  he  acquired  great  kudos 
in  the  eyes  of  all  his  fellow-students,  who 
regarded  him  as  the  conquering  hero. 

Alas  and  alack !  when  he  repaired  to  the 
field  to  receive  the  thanks  and  praises  of  the 
maiden  he  had  so  fortunately  delivered,  he 
had  the  mortification  to  discover  that  she  had 
vanished,  and  left  not  a  wreck  behind  her ! 
Nor  with  all  his  endeavours  could  he  so  much 


AUTHOR'S  NOTE  ON  ILLUSTRATION  No.  L 


As  I  feared,  a  tolerably  keen  eye  will  detect,  almost  at  a 
glance,  that  my  young  native  illustrator — though  undeni- 
ably gifted — has  little  or  no  personal  acquaintance  with 
the  English  surroundings  he  so  rashly  professes  to  depict. 

Very  curiously,  he  has  succeeded  just  where  I  should 
have  expected  him  to  fail,  and  vice  versa  ! 

For  the  students  are  quite  correctly  represented  in  their 
collegiate  caps  and  robes,  whereas  the  police-officer  is 
furnished  with  far  too  excessive  a  superfluity  of  weapons, 
nor  do  policemen  in  England,  to  my  knowledge,  wear 
plumes  in  their  helmets,  or  chest-protectors  embroidered 
with  the  initials  E.R. 

But  it  is  in  the  presentment  of  the  irate  cow  that  Mr 
Pahtridhji  displays  the  most  inexcusable  ignorance.  The 
merest  tyro  could  have  informed  him  that  animals  of  this 
Brahminical  type  are  very  unfamiliar  objects  in  Anglo- 
Saxon  landscapes ! 

H.  B.  J. 


THE  DEMENTED  COW  13 

as  learn  her  name,  condition,  or  whereabouts, 
but  the  remembrance  of  her  manifold  charms 
rendered  him  moonstruck  with  the  tender 
passion,  and  notwithstanding  his  success  in 
flooring  the  most  difficult  exams,  his  bosom's 
lord  sat  tightly  on  its  throne,  and  was  not  to 
jump  until  he  should  again  (if  ever)  confront 
his  mysterious  fascinator. 

Having  emerged  from  the  shell  of  his  sfahc 
pupillari  under  the  fostering  warmth  of  his 
Alma  Mater,  Mr  Bhosh  next  proceeded  as  a 
full-fledged  B.A.  to  the  Metropolis,  and  became 
a  candidate  for  forensic  honours  at  one  of  the 
legal  temples,  lodging  under  the  elegant  roof 
of  a  matron  who  regarded  him  as  her  beloved 
son  for  Rs.  2 1  per  week,  and  attending  lectures 
with  such  assiduity  that  he  soon  acquired  a 
nodding  acquaintance  with  every  branch  of 
jurisprudence. 

And  when  he  went  up  for  Bar  Exam.,  he 
displayed  his  phenomenal  proficiency  to  such 
an  extent  that  the  Lord  Chancellor  begged 
him  to  accept  one  of  the  best  seats   on   the 


14      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Judges'  bench,  an  honour  which,  to  the  best 
of  this  deponent's  knowledge  and  belief,  has 
seldom  before  been  offered  to  a  raw  tyro,  and 
never,  certainly,  to  a  young  Indian  student. 
However,  with  rare  modesty  Mr  Bhosh 
declined  the  offer,  not  considering  himself 
sufficiently  ripe  as  yet  to  lay  down  laws,  and 
also  desirous  of  gathering  roses  while  he 
might,  and  mixing  himself  in  first-class  English 
societies. 

I  am  painfully  aware  that  such  incidents 
as  the  above  will  seem  very  mediocre  and 
humdrum  to  most  readers,  but  I  shall  request 
them  to  remember  that  no  hero  can  achieve 
anything  very  striking  while  he  is  still  a 
hobbardehoy,  and  that  I  cannot — like  some 
popular  novelists  —  insult  their  intelligences 
by  concocting  cock-and-bull  occurrences  which 
the  smallest  exercise  of  ordinary  common- 
sense  must  show  to  be  totally  incredible. 

By  and  bye,  when  I  come  to  deal  with  Mr 
Bhosh's  experiences  in  the  upper  tenth  of 
London   society,   with   which    I    may   claim   to 


THE  DEMENTED  COW  15 

have  rather  a  profound  familiarity,  I  will  boldly 
undertake  that  there  shall  be  no  lack  of 
excitement. 

Therefore,  have  a  little  patience,  indulgent 
Misters! 


CHAPTER   III 
THE   INVOLUNTARY   FASCINATOR 

Please  do  not  pester  me  with  unwelcome  attentions, 
Since  to  respond  I  have  no  intentions  ! 
Your  Charms  are  deserving  of  honourable  mentions — 
But  previous  attachment  compels  these  abstentions  ! 
"An  unwilling  Wooed  to  his  Wooer." 

Original  unpublished  Poem  by  H.  B.  J. 

MR  BHOSH  was  very  soon  enabled  to 
make  his  debM  as  a  pleader,  for  the 
Mooktears  sent  him  briefs  as  thick  as  an 
Autumn  leaf  in  Vallambrosa,  and,  having  on 
one  occasion  to  prosecute  a  youth  who  had 
embezzled  an  elderly  matron,  Mr  Bhosh's 
eloquence  and  pathos  melted  the  jury  into  a 
flood  of  tears  which  procured  the  triumphant 
acquittal  of  the  prisoner. 

But   the   bow  of  Achilles    (which,    as   Poet 
Homer  informs   us,   was   his   only   vulnerable 

l6 


THE  INVOLUNTARY  FASCINATOR  17 

point)  must  be  untied  occasionally,  and  ac- 
cordingly Mr  Bhosh  occasionally  figured  as 
the  gay  dog  in  upper-class  societies,  and 
was  not  long  in  winning  a  reputation  in  smart 
circles  as  a  champion  bounder. 

For  he  did  greet  those  he  met  with  a 
pleasant,  obsequious  affability  and  familiarity, 
which  easily  endeared  him  to  all  hearts.  In 
his  appearance  he  would — but  for  a  somewhat 
mediocre  stature  and  tendency  to  a  precocious 
obesity — have  strikingly  resembled  the  well- 
known  statuary  of  the  Apollo  Bellevue,  and 
he  was  in  consequence  inordinately  admired 
by  aristocratic  feminines,  who  were  enthralled 
by  the  fluency  of  his  small  talk,  and  competed 
desperately  for  the  honour  of  his  company  at 
their  "  Afternoon- At- Home-Teas." 

It  was  at  one  of  these  exclusive  festivities 
that  he  first  met  the  Duchess  Dickinson, 
and  (as  we  shall  see  hereafter)  that  meeting 
took  place  in  an  evil-ominous  hour  for  our 
hero.  As  it  happened,  the  honourable  high- 
born   hostess    proposed    a    certain    cardgame 

3 


18       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

known  as  "  Penny  Napkin,"  and  fate  decreed 
that  Mr  Bhosh  should  sit  contiguous  to  the 
Duchess's  Grace,  who  by  lucky  speculations 
was  the  winner  of  incalculable  riches. 

But,  hoity  toity !  what  were  his  dismay 
and  horror,  when  he  detected  that  by  her 
legerdemain  in  double-dealing  she  habitually 
contrived  to  assign  herself  five  pictured  cards 
of  leading  importance ! 

How  to  act  in  such  an  unprecedented 
dilemma  ?  As  a  chivalrous,  it  was  repugnant  to 
him  to  accuse  a  Duchess  of  sharping  at  cards, 
and  yet  at  the  same  time  he  could  not  stake 
his  fortune  against  such  a  foregone  conclusion ! 

So  he  very  tactfully  contrived  by  engaging 
the  Duchess's  attention  to  substitute  his  card- 
hand  for  hers,  and  thus  effect  the  exchange 
which  is  no  robbery,  and  she,  finally  observing 
his  finesse^  and  struck  by  the  delicacy  with 
which  he  had  so  unostentatiously  rebuked  her 
duplicity,  earnesdy  desired  his  further  ac- 
quaintance. 

For   a   time    Mr    Bhosh,   doubtless  obeying 


THE  INVOLUNTARY  FASCINATOR  19 

one  of  those  supernatural  and  presentimental 
monitions  which  were  undreamt  of  in  the 
Horatian  philosophy,  resisted  all  her  advances 
— but  alas !  the  hour  arrived  in  which  he 
became  as  Simpson  with  Delilah. 

It  was  at  the  very  summit  of  the  Season, 
during  a  brilliantly  fashionable  ball  at  the 
Ladbroke  Hall,  Archer  Street,  Bayswater, 
whither  all  the  dlites  of  tiptop  London  Society 
had  congregated. 

Mr  Bhosh  was  present,  but  standing  apart, 
overcome  with  bashfulness  at  the  paucity  ot 
upper  feminine  apparel  and  designing  to  take 
his  premature  hook,  when  the  beauteous 
Duchess  in  passing  surreptitiously  flung  over 
him  a  dainty  nosehandkerchief  deliciously 
perfumed  with  extract  of  cherry  blossoms. 

With  native  penetration  into  feminine  co- 
quetries he  interpreted  this  as  an  intimation 
that  she  desired  to  dance  with  him,  and, 
though  not  proficient  in  such  exercises,  he 
made  one  or  two  revolutions  round  the  room 
with  her  co-operation,  after  which  they  retired 


20       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

to  an  alcove  and  ate  raspberry  ices  and  drank 
lemonade.  Mr  Bhosh's  sparkling  tittle-tattle 
completely  achieved  the  Duchess's  conquest, 
for  he  possessed  that  magical  gift  of  the  gab 
which  inspired  the  tender  passion  without  any 
connivance  on  his  own  part. 

And,  although  the  Duchess  was  no  longer 
the  chicken,  having  attained  her  thirtieth  lustre, 
she  was  splendidly  well  preserved ;  with  huge 
flashing  eyes  like  searchlights  in  a  face  re- 
sembling the  full  moon ;  of  tall  stature  and 
proportionate  plumpness ;  most  young  men 
would  have  been  puffed  out  by  pride  at 
obtaining  such  a  tiptop  admirer. 

Not  so  our  hero,  whose  manly  heart  was 
totally  monopolised  by  the  image  of  the  fair 
unknown  whom  he  had  rescued  at  Cambridge 
from  the  savage  clutches  of  a  horned  cow,  and 
although,  after  receiving  from  the  Duchess  a 
musk-scented  postal  card,  requesting  his  com- 
pany on  a  certain  evening,  he  decided  to  keep 
the  appointed  tryst,  it  was  only  against  his 
will  and  after  heaving  many  sighs. 


THE  INVOLUNTARY  FASCINATOR  21 

On  reaching  the  Duchess's  palace,  which 
was  situated  in  Pembridge  Square,  Bayswater, 
he  had  the  mortification  to  perceive  that  he 
was  by  no  means  the  only  guest,  since  the 
reception  halls  were  thickly  populated  by 
gilded  worldlings.  But  the  Duchess  advanced 
to  greet  him  in  a  very  kind,  effusive  manner, 
and,  intimating  that  it  was  impossible  to  con- 
verse with  comfort  in  such  a  crowd,  she  led 
him  to  a  small  side-room,  where  she  seated 
him  on  a  couch  by  her  side  and  invited  him  to 
discourse. 

Mr  Bhosh  discoursed  accordingly,  paying 
her  several  high-flown  compliments  by  which 
she  appeared  immoderately  pleased,  and  dis- 
coursed in  her  turn  of  instinctive  sympathies, 
until  our  hero  was  wriggling  like  an  eel  with 
embarrassment  at  what  she  was  to  say  next, 
and  at  this  point  Duke  Dickinson  suddenly 
entered  and  reminded  his  spouse  in  rather 
abrupt  fashion  that  she  was  neglecting  her 
remaining  guests. 

After  the   Duchess's  departure,  Mr   Bhosh, 


22       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

with  the  feehngs  of  an  innate  gentleman,  felt 
constrained  to  make  his  sincere  apologies  to 
his  ducal  entertainer  for  having  so  engrossed 
his  better  half,  frankly  explaining  that  she  had 
exhibited  such  a  marked  preference  for  his 
society  that  he  had  been  deprived  of  all 
option  in  the  matter,  further  assuring  his 
dukeship  that  he  by  no  means  reciprocated 
the  lady's  sentiments,  and  delicately  recom- 
mending that  he  was  to  keep  a  rather  more 
lynxlike  eye  in  future  upon  her  proceedings. 

To  which  the  Duke,  greatly  agitated,  replied 
that  he  was  unspeakably  obliged  for  the  caution, 
and  requested  Mr  Bhosh  to  depart  at  once  and 
remain  an  absentee  for  the  future.  Which  our 
friend  cheerfully  undertook  to  perform,  and,  in 
taking  leave  of  the  Duchess,  exhorted  her,  with 
an  eloquence  that  moved  all  present,  to  abandon 
her  frivolities  and  levities  and  adopt  a  deport- 
ment more  becoming  to  her  matronly  exterior. 

The  reader  would  naturally  imagine  that  she 
would  have  been  grateful  for  so  friendly  and 
well-meant  a  hint — but  oh,  dear!  it  was  quite 


THE  INVOLUNTARY  FASCINATOR  23 

the  reverse,  for  from  a  loving  friend  she  was 
transformed  into  a  bitter  and  most  unscrupulous 
enemy,  as  we  shall  find  in  forthcoming  chapters. 
Truly  it  is  not  possible  to  fathom  the  perver- 
sities of  the  feminine  disposition  ! 


CHAPTER  IV 

A  KICK  FROM  A  FRIENDLY  FOOT 

She  is  a  radiant  damsel  with  features  fair  and  fine  ; 
But  since  betrothed  to  Bosom's  friend  she  never  can  be  mine  ! 
Original  Poem  by  H.  B.  /.  {unpublished). 

MR  BHOSH'S  bosom-friend,  the  Lord 
Jack  Jolly,  had  kindly  undertaken  to 
officiate  as  his  Palinurus  and  steer  him  safely 
from  the  Scylla  to  the  Charybdis  of  the 
London  Season,  and  one  day  Lord  Jolly 
arrived  at  our  hero's  apartments  as  the  bearer 
of  an  invite  from  his  honble  parent  the  Baronet, 
to  partake  of  tiffin  at  their  ancestral  abode  in 
Chepstow  Villas,  which  Bindabun  gratefully 
accepted. 

Arrived  at  the  Jollies'  sumptuous  interior,  a 
numerous  retinue  of  pampered  menials  and 
gilded  flunkies  divested  Mr  Bhosh  of  his  hat 


KICK  FROM  A  FRIENDLY  FOOT    25 

and  umbrella  and  ushered  him  into  the  hall  of 
audience. 

"  Bhosh,  my  dear  old  pal,"  said  Lord  Jack, 
"  I  have  news  for  you.  I  am  engaged  as  a 
Benedict,  and  am  shortly  to  celebrate  matri- 
mony with  a  young  goodlooking  female — the 
Princess  Petunia  Jones." 

"My  lord,"  replied  Mr  Bhosh,  "suffer  me 
to  hang  around  your  patrician  neck  the  floral 
garland  of  my  humble  congratulations." 

"  My  dear  Bhosh,"  responded  the  youthful 
peer  of  the  realm,  "  I  regard  you  as  more  than 
a  brother,  and  am  confident  that  when  my 
betrothed  beholds  your  countenance,  she  will 
conceive  for  you  a  similar  lively  affection.  But 
hush  !  here  she  comes  to  answer  for  herself 
.  .  .  Princess,  permit  me  to  present  to  you  the 
best  and  finest  friend  I  possess,  Mr  Bindabun 
Bhosh." 

Mr  Bhosh  modestly  lowered  his  optics  as 
he  salaamed  with  inimitable  grace,  and  it  was 
not  until  he  had  resumed  his  perpendicular  that 
he  recognised  in  the  Princess  Jones  the  charm- 


26       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

ing  unknown  whom  he  had  last  beheld  engaged 
in  repelling  the  assault  of  a  distracted  cow ! 

Their  eyes  were  no  sooner  crossed  than  he 
knew  that  she  regarded  him  as  her  deliverer, 
and  was  consumed  by  the  most  ardent  affection 
for  him.  But  Mr  Bhosh  repressed  himself  with 
heroic  magnanimity,  for  he  reflected  that  she 
was  the  affianced  of  his  dearest  friend  and  that 
it  was  contrary  to  bon  ton  to  poach  another's 
jam. 

So  he  merely  said ;  "How  do  you  do.-*  It 
is  a  very  fine  day.  I  am  delighted  to  make 
your  acquaintance,"  and  turning  on  his  heels 
with  a  profound  curtsey,  he  left  her  flabber- 
gasted with  mortification. 

But  those  only  who  have  compressed  their 
souls  in  the  shoe  of  self-sacrifice  know  how 
devilishly  it  pinches,  and  Mr  Bhosh's  grief 
was  so  acute  that  he  rolled  incessantly  on  his 
couch  while  the  radiant  image  of  his  divinity 
danced  tantalisingly  before  his  bloodshot 
vision. 

Eventually    he    became    calmer,   and    after 


KICK  FROM  A  FRIENDLY  FOOT    27 

plunging  his  fervid  body  into  a  foot-bath,  he 
showed  himself  once  more  in  society,  assuming 
an  air  of  meretricious  waggishness  to  conceal 
the  worm  that  was  busily  cankering  his 
internals,  and  so  successful  was  he  that  Lord 
Jack  was  entirely  deceived  by  his  vis  comica, 
and  invited  him  to  spend  the  Autumn  up  the 
country  with  his  respectable  parents. 

Mr  Bhosh  accepted — but  when  he  knew 
that  Princess  Petunia  was  also  to  be  one  of  the 
amis  de  la  maison,  he  was  greatly  concerned  at 
the  prospect  of  infallibly  reviving  her  love  by 
his  propinquity,  and  thereby  inflicting  the  cup 
of  calamity  on  his  best  friend.  Willingly 
would  he  have  imparted  the  whole  truth  to  his 
Lordship  and  counselled  him  to  postpone  the 
Princess's  visit  until  he,  himself,  should  have 
departed — but,  ah  me  !  with  all  his  virtue  he 
was  not  a  Roman  Palladium  that  he  should 
resist  the  delight  of  philandery  with  the 
radiant  queen  of  his  soul.  So  he  kept  his 
tonofue  in  his  cheek. 

However,  when  they  met  in  the  ancient  and 


28       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

rural  castle  he  constrained  himself,  in  conversing 
with  her,  to  enlarge  enthusiastically  upon  the 
excellences  of  Lord  Jack.  "What  a  good, 
ripping,  gentlemanly  fellow  he  was,  and  how 
certain  to  make  a  best  quality  husband ! " 
Princess  Jones  listened  to  these  encomiums  with 
tender  sighing,  while  her  soft  large  orbs  rested 
on  Mr  Bhosh  with  ever-increasing  admiration. 

No  one  noticed  how,  after  these  elephantine 
efforts  at  self-denial,  he  would  silently  slip 
away  and  weep  salt  and  bitter  tears  as  he 
weltered  dolefully  on  a  doormat ;  nor  was  it 
perceived  that  the  Princess  herself  was  become 
thin  as  a  weasel  with  disappointed  love. 

Being  the  ardent  sportsman,  Mr  Bhosh 
sought  to  drown  his  sorrow  with  pleasures  of 
the  chase. 

He  would  sally  forth  alone,  with  no  other 
armament  than  a  breechloading  rifle,  and 
endeavour  to  slay  the  wild  rabbits  which 
infested  the  Baronet's  domains,  and  sometimes 
he  had  the  good  fortune  to  slaughter  one  or 
two.     Or  he  would  take  a  rod  and  hooks  and  a 


AFTHOirS  NOTE  OX  ILLUSTRATION  No.  IIL 


If  a  story  is  to  be  judged  by  the  style  in  which  it  is 
illustrated  then  truly  will  all  professional  Fox-chasers  after 
beholding  this  picture  jump. to  the  conclusion  that  the 
Author  has  foolishly  undertaken  to  write  upon  topics 
concerning  which  he  is  the  total  ignoramus  I 

But  if  such  captious  critics  will  only  do  me  the  ordinary 
justice  to  refer  to  the  printed  text  they  will  find  that  I 
am  not  tesponsible  for  such  a  childish  blunder  as  re- 
presenting that  any  English  Sportingman  would  run  a 
fox  to  the  earth  mounted  upon  a  camel. 

Nor  am  I  to  blame  because  Mr  Pahtridhji,  with 
characteristic  native  conceit,  has  chosen  to  depict  a 
purely  British  episode  as  taking  place  in  scenery  of  an 
Oriental  character. 

However,  to  give  the  devil  his  due,  my  illustrator  has 
drawn  other  parts  of  the  picture — especially  the  attitude 
of  Mr  Bhosh — with  considerable  sjjirit  and  fidelity  to  the 
Author's  conceptions. 

H.  B.  J. 


KICK  FROM  A  FRIENDLY  FOOT    29 

few  worms,  and  angle  for  salmons  ;  or  else  he 
would  stalk  partridges,  and  once  he  even 
assisted  in  a  foxhunt,  when  he  easily  out- 
stripped all  the  dogs  and  singly  confronted 
Master  Reynard,  who  had  turned  to  bay 
savagely  at  his  nose.  But  Bindabun  un- 
dauntedly descended  from  his  horse,  and, 
drawing  his  hunting  dagger,  so  dismayed  the 
beast  by  his  determined  and  ferocious  aspect 
that  it  turned  its  tail  and  fled  into  some  other 
part  of  the  country,  which  earned  him  the 
heartfelt  thanks  from  his  fellow  Nimrods. 

Naturally,  such  feats  of  arms  as  these  only 
served  to  inflame  the  ardour  of  the  Princess, 
to  whom  it  was  a  constant  wonderment  that 
Mr  Bhosh  did  never,  even  in  the  most  round- 
about style,  allude  to  the  fact  that  he  had 
saved  her  life  from  perishing  miserably  on  the 
pointed  horn  of  an  enraged  cow. 

She  could  not  understand  that  the  Native 
temperament  is  too  sheepishly  modest  to  flaunt 
its  deeds  of  heroism. 

Those  who  are  au  fait  in  knowledge  of  the 


30       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

world  are  aware  that  when  there  are  combus- 
tibles concealed  in  any  domestic  interior,  there 
is  always  a  person  sooner  or  later  who  will 
contrive  to  blow  them  off;  and  here,  too,  the 
Serpent  of  Mischief  was  waiting  to  step  in  with 
cloven  hoof  and  play  the  very  deuce. 

It  so  happened  that  the  Duchess  occupied 
the  adjacent  bungalow  to  that  of  Baronet  Jolly 
and  his  lady,  with  whom  she  was  hail-fellow- 
well-met,  and  this  perfidious  female  set  herself 
to  ensnare  the  confidence  of  the  young  and 
innocent  Princess  by  discreetly  lauding  the 
praises  of  Mr  Bhosh. 

"What  an  admirable  Indian  Crichton ! 
How  many  rabbits  and  salmons  had  he  laid 
low  that  week  ?  Truly,  she  regarded  him  as 
a  favourite  son,  and  marvelled  that  any  youth- 
ful feminine  could  prefer  an  ordinary  peer  like 
Lord  Jolly  to  a  Native  paragon  who  was  not 
only  a  university  B.A.,  but  had  successfully 
passed   Bar  Exam ! "  and  so  forth  and  so  on. 

The  princess  readily  fell  into  this  insidious 
booby-trap,  and  confessed  the  violence  of  her 


KICK  FROM  A  FRIENDLY  FOOT    31 

attachment,  and  how  she  had  striven  to  acquaint 
Mr  Bhosh  with  her  sentiments  but  was  ren- 
dered inarticulate  by  maidenly  bashfulness. 

"  Can  you  not  then  slip  a  love-letter  into  his 
hand  ?  "  inquired  the  Duchess. 

''  Cut  bono?"  responded  the  Princess,  sadly. 
"  Seeing  that  he  never  approaches  near  enough 
to  me  to  receive  such  a  missive,  and  I  dare 
not  entrust  it  to  one  of  my  maidens ! " 

"  Why  not  to  Me ? "  said  the  Duchess.  "He 
will  not  refuse  it  coming  from  myself;  more- 
over, I  have  influence  over  him  and  will  soften 
his  heart  towards  thee." 

Accordingly  the  Princess  indicted  a  rather 
impassioned  love-letter,  in  which  she  assured 
Mr  Bhosh  that  she  had  divined  his  secret 
passion  and  fully  reciprocated  it,  also  that  she 
was  the  total  indifferent  to  Lord  Jack,  with 
much  other  similar  matters. 

Having  obtained  possession  of  this  litera 
scripta,  what  does  the  unscrupulous  Duchess 
next  but  deliver  it  impromptu  into  the  hands 
of    Lord   Jack,    who,    after    perusing    it,    was 


32       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

overcome  by  uncontrollable  wrath  and  instan- 
taneously summoned  our  hero  to  his  presence. 
Here  was  the  pretty  kettle  of  fish — but 
I  must  reserve  the  sequel  for  the  next 
chapter. 


CHAPTER  V 

THE  DUEE  TO  THE  DEATH 

The  ordinary  valour  only  works 
At  those  rare  intervals  when  peril  lurks  ; 
There  is  a  courage,  scarcer  far,  and  stranger, 
Which  nothing  can  intimidate  but  danger. 

Original  Stanza  by  H.  B,  J. 

NO  sooner  had  Mr  Bhosh  obeyed  the 
summons  of  Lord  Jack,  than  the  latter 
not  only  violently  reproached  him  for  having 
embezzled  the  heart  of  his  chosen  bride,  but 
inflicted  upon  him  sundry  severe  kicks  from 
behind,  barbarously  threatening  to  encore  the 
proceeding  unless  Chunder  instantaneously 
agreed  to  meet  him  in  a  mortal  combat. 

Our  hero,  though  grievously  hurt,  did  not 
abandon  his  presence  of  mind  in  his  tight 
fix.  Seating  himself  upon  a  divan,  so  as  to 
obviate  any  repetition   of  such  treatment,  he 


34       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

thus  addressed  his  former  friend :  "  My  dear 
Jack,  Plato  observes  that  anger  is  an  abbrevi- 
ated form  of  insanity.  Do  not  let  us  fall 
out  about  so  mere  a  trifle,  since  one  friend  is 
the  equivalent  of  many  females.  Is  it  my 
fault  that  feminines  overwhelm  me  with  un- 
sought affections?  Let  us  both  remember 
that  we  are  men  of  the  world,  and  if  you  on 
your  side  will  overlook  the  fact  that  I  have  un- 
wittingly fascinated  your  fiancee,  I,  on  mine, 
am  ready  to  forget  my  unmerciful  kickings." 

But  Lord  Jolly  violently  rejected  such  a 
give-and-take  compromise,  and  again  declared 
that  if  Mr  Bhosh  declined  to  fight  he  was  to 
receive  further  kicks.  Upon  this  Chunder 
demanded  time  for  reflection ;  he  was  no 
bellicose,  but  he  reasoned  thus  with  his  soul : 
"It  is  not  certain  that  a  bullet  will  hit — 
whereas,  it  is  impossible  for  a  kick  to  miss 
its  mark." 

So,  weeping  to  find  himself  between  a  deep 
sea  and  the  devil  of  a  kicking,  he  accepted 
the    challenge,    feeling    like    Imperial    Caesar, 


THE  DUEL  TO  THE  DEATH     35 

when  he  found  himself  compelled  to  climb 
up  a  rubicon  after  having  burnt  his  boots ! 

Being  naturally  reluctant  to  kick  his  brim- 
ming bucket  of  life  while  still  a  lusty  juvenile, 
Mr  Bhosh  was  occupied  in  lamenting  the  in- 
judiciousness  of  Providence  when  he  was  most 
unexpectedly  relieved  by  the  entrance  of  his 
lady-love,  the  Princess  Jones,  who,  having 
heard  that  her  letter  had  fallen  into  Lord 
Jack's  hands,  and  that  a  sanguinary  encounter 
would  shortly  transpire,  had  cast  off  every 
rag  of  maidenly  propriety,  and  sought  a  clan- 
destine interview. 

She  brought  Bindabun  the  gratifying  in- 
telligence that  she  was  a  persona  grata  with 
his  lordship's  seconder,  Mr  Bodgers,  who  was 
to  load  the  deadly  weapons,  and  who,  at  her 
request,  had  promised  to  do  so  with  cartridges 
from  which  the  bullets  had  previously  been 
bereft. 

Such  a  piece  of  good  news  so  enlivened 
Mr  Bhosh,  that  he  immediately  recovered  his 
usual  serenity,  and  astounded  all  by  his  perfect 


36       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

nonchalance.  It  was  arranged  that  the  tragical 
affair  should  come  off  in  the  back  garden  of 
Baronet  Jolly's  castle,  immediately  after  break- 
fast, in  the  presence  of  a  few  select  friends 
and  neighbours,  among  whom — needless  to  say 
— was  Princess  Petunia,  whose  lamp-like  optics 
beamed  encouragement  to  her  Indian  cham- 
pion, and  the  Duchess  of  Dickinson,  who  was 
now  the  freehold  tenement  of  those  fiendish 
Siamese  twins — Malice  and  Jealousy.  At 
breakfast,  Mr  Bhosh  partook  freely  of  all 
the  dishes,  and  rallied  his  antagonist  for 
declining  another  fowl-egg,  rather  wittily  sug- 
gesting that  he  was  becoming  a  chicken- 
hearted.  The  company  then  adjourned  to 
the  ofarden,  and  all  who  were  non-combatants 
took  up  positions  as  far  outside  the  zone  of 
fire  as  possible. 

Mr  Bhosh  was  rejoiced  to  receive  from 
the  above  -  mentioned  Mr  Bodgers  a  secret 
intimation  that  it  was  the  put-up  job,  and 
little  piece  of  allright,  which  emboldened 
him    to    make    the    rather    spirited    proposal 


THE  DUEL  TO  THE  DEATH      37 

to  his  lordship,  that  they  were  to  fire — not 
at  the  distance  of  one  hundred  paces,  as 
originally  suggested  —  but  across  the  more 
restricted  space  of  a  nosekerchief.  This 
dare-devilish  proposal  occasioned  a  universal 
outcry  of  horror  and  admiration  ;  Mr  Bhosh's 
seconder,  a  young  poor-hearted  chap,  entreated 
him  to  renounce  his  plan  of  campaign,  while 
Lord  Jack  and  Mr  Bodgers  protested  that 
it  was  downright  tomfolly. 

Chunder,  however,  remained  game  to  his 
backbone.  "  If,"  he  ironically  said,  "  my 
honble  friend  prefers  to  admit  that  he  is  in- 
ferior in  physical  courage  to  a  native  Indian 
who  is  commonly  accredited  with  a  funky 
heart,  let  him  apologise.  Otherwise,  as  a 
challenged,  I  am  the  Master  of  the  Cere- 
monies. I  do  not  insist  upon  the  exchange 
of  more  than  one  shoot — but  it  is  the  sine 
qua  non  that  such  shoot  is  to  take  place 
across  a  nosewipe." 

Upon  which  his  lordship  became  green  as 
grass   with   apprehensiveness,    being   unaware 


38       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

that  the  cartridges  had  been  carefully  sterilised, 
but  glueing  his  courage  to  the  sticky  point, 
he  said,  "  Be  it  so,  you  bloodthirsty  little 
beggar — and  may  your  gore  be  on  your  own 
knob ! " 

"It  is  always  barely  possible,"  retorted  Mr 
Bhosh,  "that  we  may  both  miss  the  target!" 
And  he  made  a  secret  motion  to  Mr  Bodgers 
with  his  superior  eyeshutter,  intimating  that 
he  was  to  remember  to  omit  the  bullets. 

But  lackadaisy !  as  Poet  Burns  sings,  the 
best -laid  schemes  both  of  men  and  in  the 
mouse  department  are  liable  to  gang  aft — 
and  so  it  was  in  the  present  instance,  for 
Duchess  Dickinson  intercepted  Chunder  Bin- 
dabun's  wink  and,  with  the  diabolical  intuition 
of  a  feminine,  divined  the  presence  of  a  rather 
suspicious  rat.  Accordingly,  on  the  diapha- 
nous pretext  that  Mr  Bodgers  was  looking 
faintish  and  callow,  she  insisted  on  applying 
a  very  large  smelling-jar  to  his  nasal  organ. 

Whether  the  vessel  was  charged  with  salts 
of  superhuman  potency,  or  some  narcotic  drug, 


THE  DUEL  TO  THE  DEATH     39 

I  am  not  to  inquire — but  the  result  was  that, 
after  a  period  of  prolonged  sternutation,  Mr 
Bodgers  became  impercipient  on  a  bed  of 
geraniums. 

Thereupon  Chunder,  perceiving  that  he  had 
lost  his  friend  in  court,  magnanimously  said  : 
"  I  cannot  fight  an  antagonist  who  is  unpro- 
vided with  a  seconder,  and  will  wait  until 
Mr  Bodgers  is  recuperated."  But  the  honour- 
able and  diabolical  duchess  nipped  this  ar- 
rangement in  the  bud.  "  It  would  be  a  pity," 
said  she,  "  that  Mr  Bhosh's  fiery  ardour  should 
be  cooled  by  delay.  /  am  capable  to  load  a 
firearm,  and  will  act  as  Lord  Jolly's  seconder." 

Our  hero  took  the  objection  that,  as  a  femi- 
nine was  not  legally  qualified  to  act  as  seconder 
in  mortal  combats,  the  duel  would  be  rendered 
null  and  void,  and  appealed  to  his  own  seconder 
to  confirm  this  obiter  dictum. 

Unluckily  the  latter  was  a  poor  beetlehead 
who  was  in  excessive  fear  of  offendine  the 
Duchess,  and  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that  sex 
was  no  disqualification,  and  that  the  Duchess 


40       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

of  Dickinson  was  fully  competent  to  load  the 
lethal  weapons,  provided  that  she  knew  how. 

Whereupon  she,  regarding  Mr  Bhosh  with 
the  malignant  simper  of  a  fiend,  did  not  only 
deliberately  fill  each  pistol-barrel  with  a  bullet 
from  her  own  reticule  bag,  but  also  had  the 
additional  diablerie  to  extract  a  miniature  laced 
mouchoir  exquisitely  perfumed  with  cherry- 
blossoms,  and  to  say,  "  Please  fire  across  this. 
I  am  confident  that  it  will  bring  you  good 
luck." 

And  Mr  Bhosh  recognised  with  emotions 
that  baffle  description  the  very  counterpart 
of  the  nose-handkerchief  which  she  had  flung 
at  him  months  previously  at  the  aforesaid 
fashionable  Bayswater  Ball !  Now  was  our 
poor  miserable  hero  indeed  up  the  tree  of 
embarrassment — and  there  I  must  leave  him 
till  the  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  VI 

LORD   JOLLY   IS   SATISFIED 

Ah,  why  should  two,  who  once  were  bosom's  friends, 
Present  at  one  another  pistol  ends  ? 
Till  one  pops  off  to  dwell  in  Death's  Abode — 
All  on  account  of  Honour's  so-called  code ! 

Thoughts  on  Duelling,  by  H.  B.  J. 

MANY  a  more  hackneyed  duellist  than 
our  unfortunate  friend  Bhosh  might 
well  have  been  frightened  from  his  propriety 
at  the  prospect  of  fighting  with  genuine  bullets 
across  so  undersized  a  nosekerchief  as  that 
which  the  Duchess  had  furnished  for  the  fray. 

But  Mr  Bhosh  preserved  his  head  in  perfect 
coolness :  "  It  is  indisputably  true,"  he  said, 
"  that  I  proposed  to  shoot  across  a  pocket- 
kerchief — but  I  am  not  an  effeminate  female 
that  I  should  employ  such  a  lacelike  and  flimsy 
concern  as  this !     As  a  challenged,  I  claim  my 


42      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

constitutional  right  under  Magna  Charta  to 
provide  my  own  nosewipe." 

And,  as  even  my  Lord  Jack  admitted  that 
this  was  legally  correct,  Mr  Bhosh  produced 
a  very  large  handsome  nosekerchief  in  parti- 
coloured silks. 

This  he  tore  into  narrow  strips,  the  ends  of 
which  he  tied  together  in  such  a  manner  that 
the  whole  was  elongated  to  an  incredible  length. 
Then,  tossing  one  extremity  to  his  lordship, 
and  retaining  the  other  in  his  own  hand,  he 
said  :  "  We  will  fight,  if  you  please,  across  this 
— or  not  at  all !  " 

Which  caused  a  working  majority  of  the 
company,  and  even  Lord  Jack  Jolly  himself, 
to  burst  into  enthusiastic  plaudits  of  the  in- 
genuity and  dexterity  with  which  Mr  Bhosh 
had  contrived  to  extricate  himself  from  the 
prongs  of  his  Caudine  fork. 

The  Duchess,  however,  was  knitting  her 
brows  into  the  baleful  pattern  of  a  scowl — 
for  she  knew  as  well  as  Chunder  Bindabun 
himself   that    no    human    pistol   was    capable 


k-\~^m^'..  ;•'  '-■iV^^i^.i^^^'^ 


AUTHOR'S  NOTE  ON  ILLUSTRATION  No.  IV. 


The  duelling  incident  has  already  been  found  fault  with 
by  certain  superficial  criticasters,  on  the  alleged  ground 
of  its  improbability  at  so  modern  a  period  as  the  present. 

I  will  only  reply  that  I  am  not  addicted  to  describing 
— even  in  fiction — manners  and  customs  of  which  I  have 
had  no  personal  experience,  and  also  drop  a  hint  that 
some  such  duel  may  actually  have  taken  place  in  London 
not  so  many  years  ago  (though,  of  course,  under  a  rose 
without  the  presence  of  any  reporter),  and  that  a  native 
gentleman,  who  shall  be  nameless,  may  possibly  have 
figured  as  hero  on  that  occasion. 

I  have  not  many  remarks  to  offer  on  this  illustration, 
which  is  sufficiently  true  to  Nature  to  pass  muster. 

Monkeys  are  not  usually  permitted  to  be  present  at 
these  encounters,  but  it  is  quite  credible  that  the  one  in 
the  picture  was  a  particular  pet  of  Duchess  Dickinson's 
and  therefore  the  chartered  libertine. 

Only  I  am  strongly  of  opinion  that  she  would  have 
ordered  him  off  the  line  of  fire,  for  fear  that  he  might 
receive  his  quietus  from  some  stray  bullet. 

Mr  Bodgers  ought  not  to  have  been  drawn  in  a  sun- 
helmet.  He  wore,  of  course,  the  more  ceremonious  cover- 
ing of  chimney-pot  pattern.  But  poor  Mr  Pahtridhji 
could  not  perhaps  be  expected  to  know  this  ! 

H.  B.  J. 


LOUD  JOLLY  IS  SATISFIED      43 

to  achieve  such  a  distance!  The  duel  com- 
menced. His  lordship  and  Mr  Bhosh  each 
removed  their  upper  clothings,  bared  their 
arms,  and,  taking  up  a  weapon,  awaited  the 
momentous  command  to  fire. 

It  was  pronounced,  and  Lord  Jolly's  pistol 
was  the  first  to  ring  the  ambient  welkin  with 
its  horrid  bang.  The  deadly  missile,  whistling 
as  it  went  for  want  of  thought,  entered  the 
door  of  a  neighbouring  pigeon's  house  and 
fluttered  the  dovecot  confoundedly. 

Mr  Bhosh  reserved  his  fire  for  the  duration 
of  two  or  three  harrowing  seconds.  Then  he, 
too,  pulled  off  his  trigger,  and  after  the 
explosion  there  was  a  loud  cry  of  dismay. 

The  bullet  had  perforated  a  large  circular 
orifice  in  Honble  Dodger's  hat,  who,  by  this 
time,  had  returned  to  self-consciousness  I 

"  I  could  not  bring  myself  to  snuff  the  candle 
of  your  honble  lordship's  existence,"  said  Mr 
Bhosh,  bowing,  "  but  I  wished  to  convince  all 
present  that  I  am  not  incompetent  to  hit  a 
mark." 


44      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

And  he  proceeded  to  assure  Mr  Bodger  that 
he  was  to  receive  full  compensation  for  any 
moral  and  intellectual  damage  done  to  his  said 
hat. 

As  for  his  lordship,  he  was  so  overcome  by 
Mr  Bhosh's  unprecedented  magnanimity  that 
he  shed  copious  tears,  and,  warmly  embracing 
his  former  friend,  entreated  his  forgiveness, 
vowing  that  in  future  their  affection  should 
never  again  be  endangered  by  so  paltry  and 
trivial  a  cause  as  the  ficklety  of  a  feminine. 
Moreover,  he  bestowed  upon  Bindabun  the 
blushing  hand  of  Princess  Jones,  and  very 
heartily  wished  him  joy  of  her. 

Now  the  Princess  was  the  solitary  brat  of  a 
very  wealthy  merchant  prince,  Honble  Sir 
Monarch  Jones,  whose  proud  and  palatial 
storehouses  were  situated  in  the  most  fashion- 
able part  of  Camden  Town. 

Sir  Jones,  in  spite  of  Lord  Jack's  resignation, 
did  not  at  first  recjard  Mr  Bhosh  with  the 
paternal  eye  of  approval,  but  rather  advanced 
the  objection  that  the  colour  of  his  money  was 


J 


LORD  JOLLY  IS  SATISFIED      45 

practically  invisible.  "  My  daughter,"  he  said 
haughtily,  "  is  to  have  a  lakh  of  rupees  on  her 
nuptials.     Have  you  a  lakh  of  rupees  ?  " 

Bindabun  was  tempted  to  make  the  rather 
facetious  reply  that  he  had,  indeed,  a  lack  of 
rupees  at  the  present  moment. 

Sir  Monarch,  however,  like  too  many  English 
gentlemen,  was  totally  incapable  of  compre- 
hending the  simplest  Indian  yV?^  des  mots,  and 
merely  replied.  "  Unless  you  can  show  me 
your  lakh  of  rupees,  you  cannot  become  my 
beloved  son-in-law." 

So,  as  Mr  Bhosh  was  a  confirmed  im- 
pecunious, he  departed  in  severe  despondency. 
However,  fortune  favoured  him,  as  always,  for 
he  made  the  acquaintance  of  a  certain  Jewish- 
Scotch,  whose  cognomen  was  Alexander 
Wallace  M^Alpine,  and  who  kindly  undertook 
to  lend  him  a  lakh  of  rupees  for  two  days  at 
interest  which  was  the  mere  bite  of  a  flea. 

Having  thus  acquired  the  root  of  all  evil, 
Bindabun  took  it  in  a  four-wheeled  cab  and 
triumphantly    exhibited    his  hard    cash  to   Sir 


46      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Jones,  who,  being  unaware  that  it  was  borrowed 
plumage,  readily  consented  that  he  should 
marry  his  daughter.  After  which  Mr  Bhosh 
honourably  restored  the  lakh  to  the  accom- 
modating Scotch  minus  the  interest,  which  he 
found  it  inconvenient  to  pay  just  then. 

I  am  under  great  apprehensions  that  my 
gentle  readers,  on  reading  thus  far  and  no 
further,  will  remark :  "  Oho !  then  we  are 
already  at  the  finis,  seeing  that  when  a  hero 
and  heroine  are  once  booked  for  connubial 
bliss,  their  further  proceedings  are  of  very 
mediocre   interest ! " 

Let  me  venture  upon  the  respectful  caution 
that  every  cup  possesses  a  proverbially  slippery 
lip,  and  that  they  are  by  no  means  to  take  it  as 
granted  that  Mr  Bhosh  is  so  soon  married  and 
done  for. 

Remember  that  he  still  possesses  a  rather 
formidable  enemy  in  Duchess  Dickinson,  who 
is  irrevocably  determined  to  insert  a  spike  in 
his  wheel  of  fortune.  For  a  woman  is  so 
constituted    that    she    can    never    forgive    an 


LOUD  JOLLY  IS  SATISFIED      47 

individual  who  has  once  treated  her  advances 
with  contempt,  no  matter  how  good-humoured 
such  contempt  may  have  been.  No,  misters, 
if  you  offend  a  feminine  you  must  look  out  for 
her  squalls. 

Readers  are  humbly  requested  not  to  toss 
this  fine  story  aside  under  the  impression  that 
they  have  exhausted  the  cream  in  its  cocoanut. 
There  are  many  many  incidents  to  come  of 
highly  startling  and  sensational  character. 


CHAPTER  VII 

THE  ADVENTURE   OF  THE  UNWIELDY 
GIFTHORSE 

When  dormant  lightning  is  pent  in  the  polished  hoofs  of  a  colt, 
And  his  neck  is  clothed  with  thunder, — then,  horseman,  beware 
of  the  bolt ! 

From  the  Persian,  by  H.  B.  J. 

IN  accordance  with  English  usages,  Mr 
Bhosh,  being  now  officially  engaged  to 
the  fair  Princess  Jones,  did  dance  daily 
attendance  in  her  company,  and,  she  being 
passionately  fond  of  equitation,  he  was  com- 
pelled himself  to  become  the  Centaur  and 
act  as  her  cavalier  servant  on  a  nag  which 
was  furnished  throughout  by  a  West  End 
livery  jobber.  Fortunately,  he  displayed  such 
marvellous  dexterity  and  skill  as  an  equestrian 
that  he  did  not  once  sustain  a  single  reverse ! 
Truly,  it  was  a  glorious  and  noble  sight  to 

4S 


THE  UNWIELDY  GIFTHORSE     49 

behold  Bindabun  clinging  with  imperturbable 
calmness  to  the  saddle  of  his  steed,  as  it 
ambled  and  gambled  in  so  spirited  a  manner 
that  all  the  fashionables  made  sure  that  he 
was  inevitably  to  slide  over  its  tail  quarters! 
But  invariably  he  returned,  having  suffered 
no  further  inconvenience  than  the  bereave- 
ment of  his  tall  hat,  and  the  heart  of  Princess 
Petunia  was  uplifted  with  pride  when  she 
saw  that  her  betrothed,  in  addition  to  being 
a  B.A.  and  barrister-at-law,  was  also  such  a 
rough  rider. 

It  is  de  rigueur  in  all  civilised  societies  to 
encourage  matrimony  by  bestowing  rewards 
upon  those  who  are  about  to  come  up  to  the 
scratch  of  such  holy  estate,  and  consequently 
splendid  gifts  of  carriage  timepieces,  tea- 
caddies,  slices  of  fish,  jewels,  blotter-cases, 
biscuit-caskets,  cigar-lights,  and  pin-cushions 
were  poured  forth  upon  Mr  Bhosh  and  his 
partner,  as  if  from  the  inexhaustibly  bountiful 
horn  of  a  Pharmacopceia. 

Last,  but  not  least,  one   morning   appeared 
6 


50      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAI. 

a  saice  leading  an  unwieldy  steed  of  the  com- 
plexion of  a  chestnut,  and  bearing  an  anony- 
mously-signed paper,  stating  that  said  horse 
was  a  connubial  gift  to  Mr  Bhosh  from  a 
perfervid  admirer. 

Our  friend  Bindabun  was  like  to  throw  his 
bonnet  over  the  mills  with  excessive  joy,  and 
could  not  be  persuaded  to  rest  until  he  had 
made  a  trial  trip  on  his  gifted  horse,  while 
the  amiable  Princess  readily  consented  to 
become  his  companion. 

So,  on  a  balmy  and  luscious  afternoon  in 
Spring,  when  the  mellifluous  blackbirds, 
sparrows,  and  other  fowls  of  that  ilk  were 
engaged  in  billing  and  cooing  on  the  foliage 
of  innumerable  trees  and  bushes,  and  the 
blooming  flowers  were  blowing  proudly  on 
their  polychromatic  beds,  Mr  Bhosh  made  the 
ascension  of  his  gift-horse,  and  titupped  by 
the  side  of  his  betrothed  into  the  Row,  the 
observed  of  all  the  observing  masculine  and 
feminine  smarties. 

But,  hoity-toity !  he  had  not   titupped  very 


AUTHOR'S  NOTE  ON  ILLUSTRATION  No.  V. 


Once  more  I  stand  agog  before  the  overwearied  self- 
confidence  with  which  Mr  Pahtridhji  sets  out  to  depict 
scenes  and  episodes  requirina;^  the  most  exhaustive 
familiarity  with  West  End  London  habits,  if  the  artist 
is  to  escape  the  risiini  teneatis  of  a  shocking  fiasco  I 

There  is  scarcely  any  habitue  of  Hyde  Park  who 
could  not  point  the  finger  of  scorn  at  some  howling 
piece  of  inaccuracy  in  this  soi-disant  representation  of 
Mr  Bhosh  on  his  cantankerous  gifthorse. 

The  figure  of  the  hero  himself  is  passably  correct, 
though  I  may  hint  to  Mr  P.  that  no  rider  in  Rotten 
Row  who  belongs  to  the  bo7t  ton  would  wear  golden 
tassels  attached  to  his  riding  topboots. 

But  how  am  I  to  excuse  such  a  Leviathan  lapsus 
lingua  as  the  figure  of  the  equestrian  mounted  upon  a 
cow?  It  is  true  that  Honble  Hampden  was  so  upset 
at  having  to  pay  sheep-money  that  he  rode  a  cow,  but 
not  all  his  social  influence  could  launch  so  stagnant  a 
quadruped  as  a  successful  competitor  with  the  swifter 
and  more  spirited  horse,  and  consequently  it  has  long 
been  disused  as  the  beast  of  pleasure,  even  by  riders  of 
the  funkiest  temperaments. 

And,  as  before,  Mr  Pahtridhji  has  represented  (only  with 
farfarless  p]ausibility)a  monkey  as  occupying  a  prominent 
situation  on  the  scene  of  action.  I  can  only  conjecture 
that  he  is  under  the  impression  that  ladies  in  the  social 
position  of  Princess  Jones  take  horse  exercise  accom- 
p?.nied  by  such  Simian  favourites  !  Readers,  of  course, 
will  not  hold  the  writer  responsible  for  these  grotesque 
absurdities,  but  the  pity  of  it  that  an  ambitious  young 
Native  draughtsman  should  be  employed  to  make  a 
fool  of  himself  in  this  public  manner  I  I  will  not  in- 
sinunte  that  Misters  Publishers  are  guided  by  cconflnjical 
motives. 

H.P.J. 


THE  UNWIELDY   GIFTHORSE     51 

many  yards  when  the  unwieldy  steed  came 
prematurely  to  a  halt  and  adopted  an  unruly 
deportment.  Mr  Bhosh  inflicted  corporal 
punishment  upon  its  loins  with  a  golden- 
headed  whip,  at  which  the  rebellious  beast 
erected  itself  upon  its  hinder  legs  until  it 
was  practically  a  biped. 

Bindabun,  although  at  the  extremity  of  his 
wits  to  preserve  his  saddle  by  his  firm  hold 
on  the  bridle-rein,  undauntedly  aimed  a  swish- 
ing blow  at  the  head  and  front  of  the  offending 
animal,  which  instantaneously  returned  its 
forelegs  to  terra  firmay  but  elevated  its  latter 
end  to  such  a  degree  that  our  hero  very 
narrowly  escaped  sliding  over  its  neck  by 
cleverly  clutching  the  saddleback. 

Next,  the  cantankerous  steed  executed  a 
leap  with  astounding  agility,  arching  its  back 
like  a  bow,  and  propelling  our  poor  friend 
into  the  air  like  the  arrow,  though  by  pro- 
vidential luck  and  management  on  his  part 
he  descended  safely  into  his  seat  after  every 
repetition  of  this  dangerous  manoeuvre. 


52      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

All  things,  however,  must  come  to  an  end 
at  some  time,  and  the  unwieldy  quadruped  at 
last  became  weary  of  leaping  and,  securing 
the  complete  control  of  his  bit,  did  a  bolt 
from  the  blue. 

Willy  nilly  was  Mr  Bhosh  compelled  to 
accompany  it  upon  its  mad,  unbridled  career, 
while  all  witnesses  freely  hazarded  the  con- 
jecture that  his  abduction  would  be  rather 
speedily  terminated  by  his  being  left  behind, 
and  I  will  presume  to  maintain  that  a  less 
practical  horseman  would  long  before  have 
become  an  ordinary  pedestrian. 

But  Bindabun,  although  both  stirrupholes 
were  untenanted,  and  he  was  compelled  to 
hold  on  to  his  steed's  mane  by  his  teeth  and 
nails,  nevertheless  remained  triumphantly  in 
the  ascendant. 

On,  on  he  rushed,  making  the  entire  cir- 
cumference of  the  Park  in  his  wild,  delirious 
canter,  and  when  the  galloping  horse  once 
more  reappeared,  and  Mr  Bhosh  was  per- 
ceived   to   be   still    snug   on    his    saddle,   the 


THE  UNWIELDY  GIFTHORSE     53 

spectators  were  unable  to  refrain  from  heart- 
felt joy. 

A  second  time  the  incorrigible  courser 
careered  round  the  Park  on  his  thundering 
great  hoofs,  and  still  our  heroic  friend  pre- 
served his  equilibrium  —  but,  heigh-ho  !  I 
have  to  sorrowfully  relate  that,  on  his  third 
circuit,  it  was  the  different  pair  of  shoes — 
for  the  headstrong  animal,  abstaining  from 
motion  in  a  rather  too  abrupt  manner,  pro- 
pelled Mr  Bhosh  over  its  head  with  excessive 
velocity  into  the  elegant  interior  of  a  victoria- 
carriage. 

He  alighted  upon  a  great  dame  who  had 
maliciously  been  enjoying  the  spectacle  of  his 
predicament,  but  who  now  was  forced  to 
experience  the  crushing  repartee  of  his  tu 
quoque,  for  such  a  forcible  collision  with  his 
person  caused  her  not  only  two  blackened 
optics  but  irremediable  damage  to  the  leather 
of  her  nose. 

The  pristine  beauty  of  her  features  was 
irrecoverably  dismantled,   while    ]\Ir    Bhosh — ■ 


54      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

thanks  to  his  landing  on  such  soft  and  yielding 
material — remained  intact  and  able  to  return 
to  his  domicile  in  a  fourwheeled  cab. 

Beloved  reader,  however  sceptical  thou 
mayest  be,  thou  wilt  infallibly  admire  with 
me  the  inscrutable  workings  of  Nemesis,  when 
thou  learnest  that  the  aforesaid  great  lady 
was  no  other  than  the  Duchess  of  Dickinson, 
and  (what  is  still  more  wonderful)  that  it  was 
she  who  had  insidiously  presented  him  with 
such  a  fearful  gift  of  the  Danaides  as  an 
obstreperous  and  unwieldy  steed! 

Truly,  as  poet  Shakespeare  sagaciously 
observes,  there  is  a  divinity  that  rough-hews 
our  ends,  however  we  may  endeavour  to 
preserve  their  shapeliness! 


CHAPTER  VIII 

A  RIGHTABOUT  FACER  FOR  MR  BHOSH 

Halloo  I  at  a  sudden  your  love  warfare  is  changed  ! 
Your  dress  is  changed  !     Your  address  is  changed  ! 
Your  express  is  changed  !     Your  mistress  is  changed  J 
Halloo  1  at  a  sudden  your  funny  fair  is  changed  ! 

A  song  sung  by  Messengeress  Binda  before  Krishnagee 
Dr.  Ram  Kinoo  Dutt  {of  Chittagong), 

THOSE  who  are  au  faits  in  the  tortoise 
involutions  of  the  feminine  disposition 
will  hear  without  astonishment  that  Duchess 
Dickinson — so  far  from  being  chastened  and 
softened  by  the  circumstance  that  the  curse 
she  had  launched  at  Mr  Bhosh's  head  had 
returned,  like  an  illominous  raven,  to  roost 
upon  her  own  nose  and  irreparably  destroy 
its  contour  —  was  only  the  more  bitterly 
incensed  against  him. 

55 


56       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Instead  of  interring  the  hatchet  that  had 
flown  back,  as  if  it  were  that  fabulous  volatile 
the  boomerang,  she  was  in  a  greater  stew  than 
ever,  and  resolved  to  leave  no  stone  unturned 
to  trip  him  up.  But  what  trick  to  play,  seeing 
that  all  the  honours  were  in  Mr  Bhosh's  hands  ? 

She  could  not  officiate  as  Marplot  to  dis- 
credit him  in  the  affections  of  his  ladylove, 
since  the  Princess  was  too  severely  enamoured 
to  give  the  loan  of  her  ear  to  any  sibillations 
from  a  snake  in  grass. 

How  else,  then,  to  hinder  his  match?  At 
this  she  was  seized  with  an  idea  worthy  of 
Maccaroni  himself.  She  paid  a  complimentary 
visit  to  the  Princess,  arrayed  in  the  sheepish 
garb  of  a  friend,  and  contrived  to  lure  the 
conversation  on  to  the  vexed  question  of 
prying  into  futurity. 

Surel}^  she  artfully  suggested,  the  Princess 
at  such  a  momentous  epoch  of  her  existence 
had,  of  course,  not  neglected  the  sensible 
precaution  of  consulting  some  competent 
soothsayer  respecting  the  most  propitious  day 


A  RIGHTABOUT  FACER  57 

for  her  nuptials  with  the  accomplished  Mr 
Bhosh?  .  .  . 

What,  had  she  omitted  to  pop  so  important 
a  question?  How  incredibly  harebrained! 
Fortunately,  there  was  yet  time  to  do  the 
needful,  and  she  herself  would  gladly  volun- 
teer to  accompany  the  Princess  on  such  an 
errand. 

Princess  Petunia  fell  a  ready  victim  into  the 
jaws  of  this  diabolical  booby-trap  and  inquired 
the  address  and  name  of  the  cleverest  necro- 
mancer, for  it  is  matter  of  notoriety  that 
London  ladies  are  quite  as  superstitious  and 
addicted  to  working  the  oracle  as  their  native 
Indian  sisters. 

The  Duchess  replied  that  the  Astrologer- 
Royal  was  a  facile  princeps  at  uttering  a 
prediction,  and  accordingly  on  the  very  next 
day  she  and  the  Princess,  after  disguising 
themselves,  set  forth  on  the  summit  of  a 
tramway  'bus  to  the  Observatory  Temple  of 
Greenwich,  where,  after  first  propitiating  the 
prophet  by  offerings,  they  were  ushered  into  a 


58       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

darkened  inner  chamber.  Although  they  were 
strictly  pseudo,  he  at  once  informed  them  of 
their  genuine  cognomens,  and  also  told  them 
much  concerning  their  past  of  which  they  had 
hitherto  been  ignorant. 

And  to  the  Princess  he  said,  stroking  the 
long  and  silvery  hairs  of  his  beard,  "  My 
daughter,  I  foresee  many  calamities  which  will 
inevitably  befall  thee  shouldest  thou  marry 
before  the  day  on  which  the  bridegroom  wins 
a  certain  contest  called  the  Derby  with  a  horse 
of  his  own." 

The  gentle  Petunia  departed  melancholy  as 
a  gib  cat,  since  Mr  Bhosh  was  not  the  happy 
possessor  of  so  much  as  a  single  racing-horse 
of  any  description,  and  it  was  therefore  not 
feasible  that  he  should  become  entitled  to  wear 
the  cordon  bleu  of  the  turf  in  his  buttonhole  on 
his  wedding  day ! 

With  many  sighs  and  tears  she  imparted  her 
piece  of  news  to  the  horror-stricken  ears  of  our 
hero,  who  earnestly  assured  her  that  it  was 
contrary  to  commonsense  and  bonos  mores,  to 


'^>^\ 


j5  ;'-u*x.>;t:^T. 


';   .-      1       J: 


,  .r-.Mi-x'^ 


"MY    DAUGHTER,    I    FORESEE    MANY    CALAMITIES    WHICH    WILL 
INEVITABLY    BEFALL    THEE." 


AUTHOR'S  NOTE  ON  ILLUSTRATION  No.  VI 


I  CANNOT  refrain  once  more  from  natural  annoyance  at 
the  excessively  careless  fashion  in  which  my  conceptions 
are  being  realised  by  this  Mr  Birnadhur  Pahtridhji. 

Surely,  if  he  was  ignorant  of  the  costume  of  so  exalted 
a  pundit  as  the  liritish  Astrologer  Royal,  he  could  at 
least  have  taken  the  trouble  to  cram  up  the  uniform  in 
some  work  of  reference  at  a  Public  Library  ! 

In  any  case  a  little  reflection  would  have  shown  even 
Mr  Pahtridhji  that  such  a  dignitary  could  not  be 
correctly  represented  in  a  turban. 

Most  probably  on  so  special  an  occasion  he  would 
have  assumed  his  full-dress  extinguisher  cap  adorned 
with  Zodiacal  emblems. 

Such  inaccuracies  would  perhaps  be  of  mediocre  im- 
portance if  they  occurred  in  the  illustrations  to  a  work 
of  ordinary  fiction.  But  in  the  present  case  of  a  novel 
which  depends  chiefly  on  its  scathingly  realistic  ex- 
posures of  London  High  Life,  it  is  much  to  be  deplored 
that  some  more  observant  and  experienced  artist  could 
not  have  been  selected. 

I  would  respectfully  remind  my  honble  friends  the 
Publishers  that  many  a  stately  vessel  has  become  a  total 
loss  owing  to  ill-judged  parsimony  in  the  tar  department  ! 

And  I  humbly  recommend  them  (if  not  too  late)  to 
adopt  Spartan  measures,  by  instantaneously  throwing 
Mr  Pahtridhji  overboard,  and  handing  the  job  over  to 
the  President  of  the  Royal  Academy  of  Arts,  who  from 
his  tip-top  position  would  be  most  likely  to  execute  same 
in  a  competent  manner  and  to  the  general  satisfaction 
of  the  Public. 

H.  B.  J. 


A  RIGHTABOUT  FACER         59 

attach  any  importance  to  the  mere  ipse  dixit  of 
so  antiquated  a  charlatan  as  the  Astrologer- 
Royal,  who  was  utterly  incapable — except  at 
very  long  intervals — to  bring  about  even  such 
a  simple  affair  as  an  eclipse  which  was  visible 
from  his  own  Observatory  1 

However,  the  Princess,  being  a  feminine, 
was  naturally  more  prone  to  puerile  credulities, 
and  very  solemnly  declared  that  nothing  would 
induce  her  to  kneel  by  Mr  Bhosh's  side  at  the 
torch  of  Hymen  until  he  should  first  have 
distinguished  himself  as  a  Derby  winner. 

Whereat  Mr  Bhosh,  perceiving  that  the  date 
of  his  nuptial  ceremony  was  become  a  dies  non 
in  a  Grecian  calendar,  did  wring  his  hands  in 
a  bath  of  tears. 

Alas !  he  was  totally  unaware  that  it  was  his 
implacable  enemy,  the  Duchess  Dickinson,  who 
had  thus  upset  his  apple-cart  of  felicity — but  so 
it  was,  for  by  a  clandestine  bribe,  she  had 
corrupted  the  Astrologer- Royal — a  poor,  weak, 
very  avaricious  old  chap — to  trump  out  such  a 
disastrous  prediction. 


60      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Some  heroes  in  this  hard  pHght  would  have 
thrown  up  the  leek,  but  Mr  Bhosh  was  stuffed 
with  sterner  materials.  He  swore  a  very  long 
oath  by  all  the  gods  that  he  had  ceased  to 
believe  in,  that  sooner  or  later,  by  crook  or 
hook,  he  would  win  the  Derby  race,  though 
entirely  destitute  of  horseflesh  and  very  ill 
able  to  afford  to  purchase  the  most  mediocre 
quadruped. 

Here  some  sporting  readers  will  probably 
object !  Why  could  he  not  enlist  his  unwieldy 
gifthorse  among  Derby  candidates  and  so 
hoist  the  Duchess  on  the  pinnacle  of  her  own 
petard  ? 

To  which  I  reply :  Too  clever  by  halves, 
Misters  !  Imprimis,  the  steed  in  question  was 
of  far  too  ferocious  a  temperament  (though 
undeniably  swift-footed)  ever  to  become  a 
favourite  with  Derby  judges ;  secondly,  after 
dismounting  Mr  Bhosh,  it  had  again  taken  to 
its  heels  and  departed  into  the  Unknown,  nor 
had  Mr  Bhosh  troubled  himself  to  ascertain  its 
private  address. 


A  RIGHTABOUT  FACER  61 

But  fortune  favours  the  brave.  It  happened 
that  Mr  Bhosh  was  one  day  promenading  down 
the  Bayswater  Road  when  he  was  passed  by  a 
white  horse  drawing  a  milk  chariot  with  un- 
paralleled velocity,  outstripping  omnibuses, 
waggons,  and  even  butcher-carts  in  its  wind- 
like progress,  which  was  unguided  by  any 
restraining  hand,  for  the  milk-charioteer  him- 
self was  pursuing  on  foot. 

His  natural  puissance  in  equine  affairs 
enabled  Mr  Bhosh  to  infer  that  the  steed 
which  could  cut  such  a  record  when  handi- 
capped with  a  cumbrous  dairy  chariot  would 
exhibit  even  greater  speed  if  in  puris  naturali- 
bus,  and  that  it  might  even  not  improbably 
carry  off  first  prize  in  the  Derby  race. 

So,  as  the  milk-charioteer  ran  up,  overblown 
with  anxiety,  to  learn  the  result  of  his  horse's 
escapade,  Mr  Bhosh  stopped  him  to  inquire 
what  he  would  take  for  such  an  animal. 

The  dairy-vendor,  rather  foolishly  taking  it 
for  granted  that  horse  and  cart  were  gone 
concerns,    thought   he   was    making   the  good 


62      A  BAYARD  FROxM  BENGAL 

stroke  of  business  in  offering  the  lot  for  a 
twenty-pound  note. 

"  I  have  done  with  you  ! "  cried  Mr  Bhosh 
sharply,  handing  over  the  purchase-money, 
which  he  very  fortunately  chanced  to  have 
about  him,  and  galloping  off  to  inspect  his 
bargain,  which  was  like  buying  a  pig  after 
once  poking  it  in  the  ribs. 

In  what  condition  he  found  it  I  must  leave 
you  to  learn,  my  dear  readers,  in  an  ensuing 
chapter. 


CHAPTER  IX 
THE  DARK  HORSE 

Full  many  a  mare  with  coat  of  milkiest  sheen, 
Is  dyed  in  dark  unfathomed  coal  mines  drab ; 

Full  many  a  flyer's  born  to  blush  unseen, 
And  waste  her  swiftness  on  a  hansom  cab. 

Lines  to  order  by  a  young  English  friend,  who  swears  they 
are  original.  But  I  regard  them  as  an  unconscious 
plagiarism  fro^n  Poet  Youngs  ^^  Eulogy  of  a  Country 
Cemetery."     H,  B.J. 

It  is  a  gain,  a  precious,  let  me  gain  1   let  me  gain ! 

Oh,  Potentate  !  Oh,  Potentate  1 
The  shower  of  thine  secret  shoe-dust 

Oh,  Potentate  !    Oh,  Potentate  ! 

Dr.  Ram  Kinoo  Dutt  {of  Chiitagottg). 

WE  left  Mr  Bhosh  in  full  pursuit  of 
the  runaway  horse  and  milk-chariot 
which  he  had  so  spiritedly  purchased  while 
still  en  route.  After  running  a  mile  or  two, 
he  was  unspeakably  rejoiced  to  find  that  the 
equipage  had  automatically  come  to  a  stand- 

«3 


64      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

still  and  was  still  in  prime  condition — with 
the  exception  of  the  lacteal  fluid,  which  had 
made  its  escape  from  the  pails. 

Bindabun,  however,  was  not  disposed  to 
weep  for  long  over  spilt  milk,  and  had  the 
excessive  magnanimity  to  restore  the  chariot 
and  pails  to  the  dairy  merchant,  who  was 
beside  himself  with  gratitude. 

Then,  Mr  Bhosh,  with  a  joyful  heart, 
having  detached  his  purchase  from  the  shafts, 
conducted  it  in  triumph  to  his  domicile.  It 
turned  out  to  be  a  mare,  white  as  snow  and 
of  marvellous  amiability ;  and,  partly  because 
of  her  origin,  and  partly  from  her  complexion, 
he  christened  her  by  the  appellation  of 
Milky  Way. 

Although  perforce  a  complete  ignoramus 
in  the  art  of  educating  a  horse  to  win  any 
equine  contest,  Mr  Bhosh's  nude  common- 
sense  told  him  that  the  first  step  was  to 
fatten  his  rather  too  filamentous  pupil  with 
corn  and  similar  seeds,  and  after  a  prolonged 
course  of  beanfeasts  he  had  the  gratification 


THE  DARK  HORSE  G5 

to  behold  his  mare  filling  out  as  plump  as  a 
dumpling. 

As  he  desired  her  to  remain  the  dark 
horse  as  long  as  possible,  he  concealed  her 
in  a  small  toolshed  at  the  end  of  the  garden, 
ministering  to  her  wants  with  his  own  hands, 
and  conducting  her  for  daily  nocturnal  con- 
stitutionals several  times  round  the  central 
grass-patch. 

For  some  time  he  refrained  from  mounting 
— "fain  would  he  climb  but  that  he  feared  to 
fall,"  as  Poet  Bunyan  once  scratched  with  a 
diamond  on  Queen  Anne's  window ;  but  at 
length,  reflecting  that  if  nothing  ventures 
nothing  is  certain  to  win,  he  purchased  a 
padded  saddle  with  appendages,  and  sur- 
mounted Milky  Way,  who,  far  from  regard- 
ing him  as  an  interloper,  appeared  gratified 
by  his  arrival,  and  did  her  utmost  to  make 
him  feel  thoroughly  at  home. 

The  next  step  was,  of  course,  to  obtain 
permission  from  the  pundits  who  rule  the 
roast  of  the   Jockey   Club,   that  Milky   Way 

6 


66      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

might  be  allowed  to  compete  in  the  approach- 
ing Derby. 

Now  this  was  a  more  delicately  ticklish 
matter  than  might  be  supposed,  owing  to  the 
circumstance  that  the  said  pundits  are  such 
warm  men,  and  so  well  endowed  with  this 
world's  riches  that  they  are  practically  non- 
corruptible. 

Fortunately,  Mr  Bhosh,  as  a  dabster  in 
English  composition,  was  a  pastmaster  in 
drawing  a  petition,  and,  sitting  down,  he 
constructed  the  following  : — 

To  Those  Most  Worshipful  Bigheads  in 

CONTROL  OF  JoCKEYS  ClUB. 

Benign  Personages  ! 

This  Petition  humbly  sheweth : 

(i.)  That  your  Petitioner  is  a  native  Indian 
Cambridge  B.A.,  a  Barrister-at-law, 
and  a  most  loyal  and  devoted  subject 
of  Her  Majesty  the  Queen-Empress. 

(2.)  That   it  is  of  excessive  importance  to 


THE  DARK  HORSE  (j7 

him,  for  private  reasons,  that  he 
should  win  a  Derby  Race. 

(3.)  That  such  a  famous  victory  would  be 
eminently  popular  with  all  classes  of 
Indian  natives,  and  inordinately  in- 
crease their  affection  for  British  rule. 

(4.)  That  for  some  time  past  your  Petitioner 
has  been  diligently  training  a  quad- 
ruped which  he  fondly  hopes  may 
gain  a  victory. 

(5.)  That  said  quadruped  is  a  member  of 
the  fair  sex. 

(6.)  That  she  is  a  female  horse  of  very 
docile  disposition,  but,  being  only 
recently  extracted  from  shafts  of 
dairy  chariot,  is  a  total  neophyte  in 
Derby  racing. 

(7.)  That  your  lordships  may  direct  that 
she  is  to  be  kindly  permitted  to  try 
her  luck  in  this  world-famous  com- 
petition. 

(8.)  That  it  would  greatly  encourage  her  to 
exhibit   topmost  speed    if  she   could 


68      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

be  allowed  to  start  running  a  few 
minutes  previously  to  older  stagers. 
(9.)  That  if  this  is  unfortunately  contrary  to 
regulations,  then  the  Judge  should 
receive  secret  instructions  to  look 
with  a  favourable  eye  upon  the  said 
female  horse  (whose  name  is  Milky 
Way)  and  award  her  first  prize,  even 
if  by  any  chance  she  may  not  prove 
quite  so  fast  a  runner  as  more  pro- 
fessional hacks : 

And  your  Petitioner  will  ever  pray 
on  bended  knees  that  so  truly  mag- 
nificent an  institution  as  the  Epsom 
Derby  Course  may  never  be  sup- 
pressed on  grounds  of  encouraging 
national  vice  of  gambling   and   so 
forth.     Signed,  &c. 
The    wording    of    the    above    proved    Mr 
Bhosh's  profound  acquaintance  with  the  human 
heart,  for  it  instantaneously  attained  the  desired 
end. 

The  Honble  Stewards  returned  a  very  kind 


THE  DARK  HOUSE  69 

answer,  readily  consenting  to  receive  Milky 
Way  as  a  candidate  for  Derby  honours,  but 
regretting  that  it  was  ultra  vires  to  concede 
her  a  few  minutes'  start,  and  intimating  that 
she  must  start  with  a  scratch  in  company  with 
all  the  other  horses. 

Bindabun  was  not  in  the  least  degree  cast 
down  or  depressed  by  this  refusal  of  a  start, 
since  he  had  not  entertained  any  sanguine 
hope  that  it  would  be  granted,  and  had  only 
inserted  it  to  make  insurance  doubly  sure,  for 
he  was  every  day  more  confident  that  Milky 
Way  was  to  win,  even  though  obliged  to  step 
off  with  the  rank  and  file. 


CHAPTER  X 

TRUST  HER  NOT  I     SHE  IS  FOOLING  THEE  ! 

As  the  Sunset  flames  most  fiery  when  snuffed  out  by  sudden  night ; 
As  the  Swan  reserves  its  twitter  till  about  to  hop  the  twig  ; 
As  the  Cobra's  head  swells  biggest  just  before  he  does  his  bite  ; 
So  a  feminine  smiles  her  sweetest  ere  she  gives  her  nastiest  dig. 
Satirical  Stanza  (unpublished)  by  H.  B.  J. 

NOW  that  our  hero  had  obtained  that 
the  name  of  Milky  Way  was  to  be 
inscribed  on  the  Golden  Book  of  Derby  can- 
didates, his  next  proceeding  was  to  hire  a 
practical  jockey  to  assume  supreme  command 
of  her. 

And  this  was  no  simple  matter,  since  prac- 
tical jockeys  are  usually  hired  many  weeks 
beforehand,  and  demand  handsome  wages  for 
taking  their  seats.  But  at  last,  after  pro- 
tracted advertisements,  Mr  Bhosh  had  the 
good    fortune   to    pitch    upon   a   perfect    trea- 

7» 


TRUST  HER  NOT  71 

sure,  whose  name  was  Cadwallader  Perkin, 
and  who,  for  his  riding  in  some  race  or  other, 
had  been  awarded  a  whole  year's  holiday  by 
the  stewards  who  had  observed  the  para- 
mountcy  of  his  horsemanship. 

No  sooner  had  Perkin  inspected  Milky 
Way  than  he  was  quite  in  love  with  his 
stable  companion,  and  assured  his  employer 
that,  with  more  regular  out-of-door  exercise, 
she  would  be  easily  competent  to  win  the 
Derby  on  her  head,  whereupon  Mr  Bhosh 
consented  that  she  should  be  galloped  after 
dark  round  the  inner  circle  of  Regent's  Park, 
which  is  chiefly  populated  at  such  a  time  by 
male  and  female  bicyclists. 

But  in  order  to  pay  Perkin's  charges,  and 
also  provide  a  silken  jockey  tunic  and  cap 
of  his  own  racing  colours  (which  were  cream 
and  sky-blue),  Mr  Bhosh  was  compelled  to 
borrow  more  money  from  Mr  M ^Alpine,  who, 
as  a  Jewish  Scotch,  exacted  the  rather  ex- 
orbitant interest  of  sixty  per  centum. 

It  leaked  out  in  some  manner  that  Milky 


72      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Way  was  a  coming  Derby  favourite,  and  the 
property  of  a  Native  young  Indian  sports- 
man, whose  entire  fortunes  depended  on  her 
success,  and  soon  immense  multitudes  con- 
gregated in  Regent's  Park  to  witness  her 
trials  of  speed,  and  cheered  enthusiastically 
to  behold  the  fiery  sparks  scintillating  from 
the  stones  as  she  circumvented  the  inner 
circle  in  seven-leagued  boots. 

Mr  Bhosh  of  course  asseverated  that  she 
was  a  very  mediocre  sort  of  mare,  and  that 
he  did  not  at  all  expect  that  she  would  prove 
a  winner,  but  connoisseurs  nevertheless  betted 
long  odds  upon  her  success,  and  Bindabun 
himself,  though  not  a  speculative,  did  put  on 
the  pot  himself  upon  the  golden  egg  which 
he  was  so  anxiously  hatching. 

One  evening  amongst  those  who  were 
eathered  to  view  the  nocturnal  exercises  of 
Milky  Way  there  appeared  a  feminine  spec- 
tator of  rather  sinister  aspect,  in  a  thick  veil 
and  a  victoria-carriage. 

It  was  no  other  than   Duchess  Dickinson, 


TRUST  HER  NOT  73 

who  had  somehow  learnt  how  courageously 
Mr  Bhosh  was  endeavouring  to  fulfil  the 
Astrologer  -  Royal's  prediction,  and  who  had 
come  to  ascertain  whether  his  mare  was 
indeed  such  a  paragon  of  celerity  as  had 
been  represented. 

The  very  first  time  that  Milky  Way  can- 
tered past  with  the  gait  of  a  streak  of  light- 
ning, the  Duchess  realised  with  a  sinking 
heart  that  Mr  Bhosh  must  indubitably  succeed 
at  the  Derby — unless  he  was  preve7ited. 

But  how  to  achieve  this  ?  Her  womanly 
instinct  told  her  that  Cadwallader  Perkin  was 
far  too  inexperienced  to  resist  for  long  such 
mature  and  ripened  charms  as  hers  —  even 
though  the  latter  were  unfortunately  dis- 
counted by  the  accidental  nose-flattening. 

So,  lowering  her  veil  till  only  her  eyes  were 
visible  above,  she  waited  till  he  passed  once 
more,  then  flung  him  such  a  liquid  and  flashing 
glance  from  her  starry  and  now  no  longer 
discoloured  optics  that  the  young  jockey,  who 
was  of  an  excessively  susceptible  disposition. 


74      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

all  but  fell  off  the  saddle  with  emotion,  like  a 
very  juvenile  bird  under  serpentine  observation. 

"He  is  mine!"  said  the  unscrupulous  Duchess 
internally,  laughing  up  her  sleeve  at  such  a 
proof  of  her  fascinations,  "  mine !  mine !  " 

She  had  too  much  intelligence  and  mother- 
wit,  however,  to  take  any  steps  until  Mr  Bhosh 
should  be  safely  out  of  the  way — and  how  to 
accomplish  his  removal  ? 

As  an  acquaintance  with  the  above-mentioned 
usurer,  M^Alpine,  she  was  aware  that  he  had 
advanced  large  loans  to  Mr  Bhosh,  and  so  she 
laid  her  plans  and  bided  her  time. 

There  soon  remained  only  one  day  before 
that  carnival  of  all  sporting  saturnalians,  the 
Epsom  Derby  day,  and  Bindabun  formed  the 
prudent  resolution  to  avoid  any  delays  or 
crushings  by  putting  Milky  Way  into  a  railway 
box,  and  despatching  her  to  Epsom  on  the 
previous  afternoon,  under  the  chaperonage  of 
Cadwallader  Perkin,  who  was  to  engage  suit- 
able lodgings  for  her  in  the  vicinity  of  the 
course. 


TRUST  HER  NOT  75 

But  just  as  Bindabun  was  approaching  the 
booking  hole  of  Victoria  terminus  to  take  a 
horse-ticket,  lo  and  behold !  he  was  rapped 
on  the  shoulder  by  a  couple  of  policemen,  who 
civilly  inquired  whether  his  name  was  not 
Bhosh. 

He  replied  that  it  was,  and  that  he  was  the 
lucky  proprietor  of  a  female  horse  who  was 
infallibly  destined  to  win  the  Derby,  and  that 
he  was  even  now  proceeding  to  purchase  her 
travelling  ticket.  But  the  policemen  insisted 
that  he  must  first  discharge  the  full  amount 
of  his  debt  and  costs  to  Mr  M^Alpine,  who 
had  commenced  a  law-suit. 

"It  is  highly  inconvenient  to  pay  now," 
replied  our  hero,  "  I  will  settle  up  after  receiv- 
ing my  Derby  Stakes." 

"We  are  infernally  sorry,"  said  the  con- 
stables, "  but  we  have  instructions  to  imprison 
you  until  the  amount  is  stumped  up,  and  any- 
thing you  say  now  will  be  taken  down  and  used 
against  you  at  your  trial." 

Mr   Bhosh   remained  sotto  voce ;  and  as  he 


76      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

was  being  led  off  with  gyves  upon  his  wrists, 
like  Aram  the  usher,  whom  should  he  behold 
but  the  Duchess  of  Dickinson ! 

Like  all  truly  first-class  heroes,  he  was  of  a 
generous,  confiding  nature,  and  his  head  was 
not  for  a  moment  entered  by  the  suspicion  that 
the  Duchess  could  still  cherish  any  illfeelings 
towards  him.  "  I  am  sincerely  sorry,"  he  said 
with  good-humoured  gallantry,  "to  observe 
that  your  ladyship's  nose-leather  is  still  in  such 
bad  repair.  I  was  riding  a  rather  muscular 
steed  that  afternoon,  and  could  not  thoroughly 
control  my  movements. 

She  suavely  responded  that  she  was  proud 
to  have  been  the  means  of  breaking  his 
fall. 

"Not  only  my  fall — but  your  own  nose ! " 
retorted  Mr  Bhosh  sympathetically.  "A  sad 
pity !  Fortunately,  at  your  time  of  life  such 
disfigurements  are  of  no  consequence.  I, 
myself,  am  now  in  the  pretty  pickle." 

And  he  explained  how  he  had  been  arrested 
for  debt,  at  the  very  moment  when  he  had  an 


TRUST  HER  NOT  77 

appointment  to  meet  his  mare  and  jockey  and 
see  them  safely  off  by  the  Epsom  train. 

"  Do  not  trouble  about  that,"  said  the 
Duchess.  "Hand  me  your  purse,  and  I  myself 
will  meet  them  and  do  the  needful  on  your 
behalf.  I  have  interest  with  this  Mr 
M^Alpine  and  will  intercede  that  you  are  let 
out  immediately." 

Mr  Bhosh  kissed  her  hand  as  he  handed 
over  his  said  purse.  "  This  is,  indeed,  a  noble 
return  for  my  coldheartedness,"  he  said,  "and 
I  am  even  more  sorry  than  before  that  I 
should  have  involuntarily  dilapidated  so  ex- 
quisite a  nose." 

"  Pray  do  not  mention  it,"  replied  the 
Duchess,  with  the  baleful  simper  of  a  Sphynx, 
and  Mr  Bhosh  departed  for  his  durance  vile 
with  a  mind  totally  free  from  misgivings. 


CHAPTER  XI 

STONE  WALLS  DO  NOT  MAKE  A  CAGE 

Oh,  give  me  back  my  Arab  steed,  I  cannot  ride  alone ! 

Or  tell  me  where  my  Beautiful,  my  four-legged  bird  has  flown. 

'Twas  here  she  arched  her  glossy  back,  beside  the  fountain's 

brink, 
And  after  that  I  know  no  more — but  I  came  off,  I  think. 

More  so-called  original  lines  by  aforesaid  young  English 
friend.  But  I  have  the  shrewd  suspicion  of  having 
read  them  before  somewhere. — H.  B.  J. 

AND  now,  O  gentle  and  sympathetic 
reader,  behold  our  unfortunate  hero 
confined  in  the  darkest  bowels  of  the  Old 
Bailey  Dungeon,  for  the  mere  crime  of  being 
an  impecunious ! 

Yes,  misters,  in  spite  of  all  your  boasted  love 
of  liberty  and  fresh  air,  imprisonment  for  debt 
is  still  part  of  the  law  of  the  land  !  How  long 
will  you  deafen  your  ears  to  the  pitiable  cry  of 

the  bankrupt  as  he  pleads  for  the  order  of  his 

78 


STONE  WALLS  79 

discharge  ?  Perhaps  it  has  been  reserved  for 
a  native  Indian  novelist  to  jog  the  elbow  of 
so-called  British  jurisprudence,  and  call  its 
attention  to  such  a  shocking  scandal. 

Mr  Bhosh  found  his  prison  most  devilishly 
dull.  Some  prisoners  have  been  known  to 
beguile  their  captivity  by  making  pets  or 
playmates  out  of  most  unpromising  materials. 
For  instance,  and  exempli  gratia,  Mr  Monty 
Christo  met  an  abbey  in  his  dungeon,  who 
gave  him  a  tip-top  education ;  Mr  Picciola 
watered  a  flower ;  the  Prisoner  of  Chillon 
made  chums  of  his  chains ;  while  Honble 
Bruce,  as  is  well-known,  succeeded  in  taming 
a  spider  to  climb  up  a  thread  and  fall  down 
seven  times  in  succession. 

But  Mr  Bhosh  had  no  spider  to  amuse  him, 
and  the  only  flowers  growing  in  his  dungeon 
were  toadstools,  which  do  not  require  to  be 
watered,  nor  did  there  happen  to  be  any  abbey 
confined  in  the  Old  Bailey  at  the  time. 

Nevertheless,  he  was  preserved  from  despair 
by    his    indomitable    native    chirpiness.      For 


80      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

was  not  Milky  Way  a  dead  set  for  the  Derby, 
and  when  she  came  out  at  the  top  of  the  pole, 
would  he  not  be  the  gainer  of  sufficient  untold 
gold  to  pay  all  his  debts,  besides  winning  the 
hand  of  Princess  Petunia  ? 

He  was  waited  upon  by  the  head  gaoler's 
daughter,  a  damsel  of  considerable  pulchritude 
by  the  name  of  Caroline,  who  at  first  regarded 
him  askance  as  a  malefactor. 

But,  on  learning  from  her  parent  that  his 
sole  offence  was  insuperable  pennilessness,  her 
tender  heart  was  softened  with  pity  to  behold 
such  a  young  gentlemanly  Indian  captive 
clanking  in  bilboes,  and  soon  they  became 
thick  as  thieves. 

Like  all  the  inhabitants  of  Great  Britain, 
her  thoughts  were  entirely  engrossed  with  the 
approaching  Derby  Race,  and  she  very  inno- 
cently narrated  how  it  was  matter  of  common 
knowledge  that  a  notorious  grandame,  to  wit 
the  fashionable  Duchess  of  Dickinson,  had 
backed  heavily  that  Milky  Way  was  to  fail 
like  the  flash  of  a  pan. 


STONE  WALLS  81 

Whereupon  Mr  Bhosh,  recollecting  that  he 
had  actually  entrusted  his  invaluable  mare 
with  her  concomitant  jockey  to  the  mercy  of 
this  self- same  Duchess,  was  harrowed  with 
sudden  misgivings. 

By  shrewd  cross-questions  he  soon  elimi- 
nated that  Mr  M*^Alpine  was  a  pal  of  the 
Duchess,  which  she  had  herself  admitted  at  the 
Victoria  terminus,  and  thus  by  dint  of  pene- 
trating instinct,  Mr  Bhosh  easily  unravelled 
the  tangled  labyrinth  of  a  hideous  conspiracy, 
which  caused  him  to  beat  his  head  vehemently 
against  the  walls  of  his  cell  at  the  thought  of 
his  utter  impotentiality. 

Like  all  feminines  who  were  privileged  to 
make  his  acquaintance,  Miss  Caroline  was 
transfixed  with  passionate  adoration  for  Binda- 
bun,  whom  she  regarded  as  a  gallant  and 
illused  innocent,  and  resolved  to  assist  him  to 
cut  his  lucky. 

To  this  end  she  furnished  him  with  a  file 
and  a  silken  ladder  of  her  own  knitting- — but 

o 

unfortunately  Mr  Bhosh,  having  never  before 

7 


82      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

undergone  incarceration,  was  a  total  neophyte 
in  effecting  his  escape  by  such  dangerous  and 
antiquated  procedures,  which  he  firmly  de- 
clined to  employ,  urging  her  to  sneak  the 
paternal  keybunch  and  let  him  out  at  daybreak 
by  some  back  entrance. 

And,  not  to  crack  the  wind  of  this  poor 
story  while  rendering  it  as  short  as  possible, 
she  yielded  to  his  entreaties  and  contrived  to 
restore  him  to  the  priceless  boon  of  liberty  the 
next  morning  at  about  5  a.m. 

Oh,  the  unparalleled  raptures  of  finding 
himself  once  more  free  as  a  bird ! 

It  was  the  dawn  of  the  Derby  Day,  and  Mr 
Bhosh  precipitated  himself  to  his  dwelling, 
intending  to  array  himself  in  all  his  best  and 
go  down  to  Epsom,  where  he  was  in  hopes  of 
encountering  his  horse.  Heyday  1  What 
was  his  chagrin  to  see  his  jockey,  Cadwallader 
Perkin,  approach  with  streaming  eyes,  fling 
himself  at  his  master's  feet  and  implore  him  to 
be  merciful ! 

"  How  comes   it,   Cadwallader,"   sternly  in- 


STONE  WALLS  83 

quired  Mr  Bhosh,  ''that  you  are  not  on  the 
heath  of  Epsom  instead  of  wallowing  like 
this  on  my  shoes  ? " 

*'  I  do  not  know,"  was  the  whimpered  re- 
sponse. 

"Then  pray  where  is  my  Derby  favourite, 
Milky  Way  V  demanded  Bindabun. 

"  I  cannot  tell,"  wailed  out  the  lachrymose 
juvenile.  Then,  after  prolonged  pressure,  he 
confessed  that  the  Duchess  had  met  him  at 
the  station  portals,  and,  on  the  plea  that  there 
was  abundance  of  spare  time  to  book  the  mare, 
easily  persuaded  him  to  accompany  her  to  the 
buffet  of  Refreshment-room. 

There  she  plied  him  with  a  stimulant  which 
jockeys  are  proverbially  unable  to  resist,  viz., 
brandy- cherries,  in  such  profusion  that  he 
promptly  became  catalyptic  in  a  corner. 

When  he  returned  to  sobriety  neither  the 
Duchess  nor  the  mare  was  perceptible  to  his 
naked  eye,  and  he  had  been  searching  in  vain 
for  them  ever  since. 

It  was  the  time  not  for  words,  but  deeds, 


84      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

and  Mr  Bhosh  did  not  indulge  in  futile 
irascibility,  but  sat  down  and  composed  a 
reply  wire  to  the  Clerk  of  Course,  Epsom, 
couched  in  these  simple  words :  "  Have  you 
seen  my  Derby  mare? — Bhosh." 

After  the  suspense  of  an  hour  the  reply 
came  in  the  discouraging  form  of  an  abrupt 
negative,  upon  which  Mr  Bhosh  thus  addressed 
the  abashed  Perkin  :  "  Even  should  I  recapture 
my  mare  in  time,  you  have  proved  yourself  un- 
worthy of  riding  her.  Strip  off  your  racing 
coat  and  cap,  and  I  will  engage  some  more 
reliable  equestrian." 

The  lad  handed  over  the  toggery,  which 
Bindabun  stuffed,  being  of  very  fine  silken 
tissue,  into  his  coat  pocket,  after  which  he 
hurried  off  to  Victoria  in  great  agitation  to 
make  inquiries. 

There  the  officials  treated  his  modest  re- 
quests in  very  off-handed  style,  and  he  was 
becoming  all  of  a  twitter  with  anxiety  and 
humiliation,  when,  mirabile  dictu!  all  of  a 
sudden    his    ears   were   regaled    by    the   well- 


STONE  WALLS  85 

known  sound  of  a  whinny,  and  he  recognised 
the  beloved  voice  of  Milky   Way! 

But  whence  did  it  proceed  ?  He  ran  to  and 
fro  in  uncontrollable  excitement,  endeavouring 
to  locate  the  sound.  There  was  no  trace  of  a 
horse  in  any  of  the  waiting-rooms,  but  at 
length  he  discovered  that  his  mare  had  been 
locked  up  in  the  Left- Luggage  department,  and, 
summoning  a  porter,  Mr  Bhosh  had  at  last  the 
indescribable  felicity  to  embrace  his  kidnapped 
Derby  favourite  Milky  Way  ! 


CHAPTER  XII 
A  RACE   AGAINST  TIME 

There's  a  certain  old  Sprinter  ;  you've  got  to  be  keen, 
If  you'd  beat  him — although  he  is  bald, 
And  he  carries  a  clock  and  a  mowing-machine. 
On  the  cinderpath  "  Tempus  "  he's  called. 

Stanza  written  to  order  by  young  English  friend, 

but  {I fear)  copied  from  Poet  Tennyson. 

AH !  with  what  perfervid  affection  did  Mr 
Bhosh  caress  the  neck  of  his  precious 
horse!  How  carefully  he  searched  her  to 
make  sure  that  she  had  sustained  no  internal 
poisonings  or  other  dilapidations ! 

Thank  goodness!  He  was  unable  to  detect 
any  flaw  within  or  without — the  probability 
being  that  the  crafty  Duchess  did  not  dare  to 
commit  such  a  breach  of  decorum  as  to  poison 
a  Derby  favourite,  and  thought  to  accomplish 
her  fell  design  by  leaving  the  mare  as  lost 
luggage  and  destroying  the  ticket-receipt. 

86 


A  RACE  AGAINST  TIME  87 

But  old  Time  had  already  lifted  the  glass  to 
his  lips,  and  the  contents  were  rapidly  running 
down,  so  Mr  Bhosh,  approaching  a  railway 
director,  politely  requested  him  to  hook  a 
horse-box  on  to  the  next  Epsom  train. 

What  was  his  surprise  to  hear  that  this  could 
not  be  done  until  all  Derby  trains  had  first 
absented  themselves !  With  passionate  volu- 
bility he  pleaded  that,  if  such  a  law  of  Medes 
and  Persians  was  to  be  insisted  on,  Milky  Way 
would  infallibly  arrive  at  Epsom  several  hours 
too  late  to  compete  in  the  Derby  race,  in  which 
she  was  already  morally  victorious — until  at 
length  the  official  relented,  and  agreed  to  do 
the  job  for  valuable  consideration  in  hard  cash. 

Lackadaisy !  after  excavating  all  his  pockets, 
our  unhappy  hero  could  only  fork  out  where- 
withal enough  for  third-class  single  ticket  for 
himself,  and  he  accordingly  petitioned  that  his 
mare  might  travel  as  baggage  in  the  guard's  van. 

I  am  not  to  say  whether  the  officials  at  this 
leading  terminus  were  all  in  the  pay  of  the 
Duchess,   since    I    am    naturally    reluctant    to 


88      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

advance  so  serious  a  charge  against  such 
industrious  and  talented  parties,  but  it  is  nem. 
con.  that  Mr  Bhosh's  very  reasonable  request 
was  nilled  in  highly  offensive  cut-and-dried 
fashion,  and  he  was  curtly  recommended  to 
walk  himself  and  his  horse  off  the  platform. 

Que  faire  f  How  was  it  humanly  possible 
for  any  horse  to  win  the  Derby  race  without 
putting  in  an  appearance  ?  And  how  was 
Milky  Way  to  put  in  her  appearance  if  she 
was  not  allowed  access  to  any  Epsom  train? 
A  less  wilful  and  persevering  individual  than 
Mr  Bhosh  would  have  certainly  succumbed 
under  so  much  red-tapery,  but  it  only  served 
to  arouse  Bindabun's  monkey. 

"How  far  is  the  distance  to  Epsom?"  he 
inquired. 

•'Fourteen  miles,"  he  was  answered. 

"  And  what  o'clock  the  Derby  race?" 

"  About  one  p.m." 

"  And  it  is  now  just  the  middle  of  the  day  ! " 
exclaimed  Bindabun.  "  Very  well,  since  it 
seems  Milky  Way  is  not  to  ride  in  the  railway, 


AUTHORS  NOTE  ON  ILLUSTRATION  No.  VIL 


I  EARNESTLY  implore  my  benevolent  publishers  to  sup- 
press at  all  events  tJiis  illustration — as  much  for  the  sake 
of  Mr  Birnadhur  Pahtridhji  (who,  if  it  appears,  will  be  the 
jesting-stock  of  every  cultivated  young  Indian  with  any 
acquaintance  at  all  with  English  life)  as  on  my  own  poor 
account. 

I  ask  anyone  endowed  with  common  sense — could  \\'\^xt 
be  a  more  preposterously  grotesque  misrepresentation 
than  this  of  such  a  well-known  scene  as  the  annual 
pilgrimage  to  the   Derby  Race.'' 

It  is  true  that  I  wrote  "every  description  of  convey- 
ance"— but  how  was  I,  being  "  Davus  non  CEdipus,"  to 
anticipate  that  Mr  Pahtridhji  would  interpret  the  phrase 
as  including  such  nondescript  vehicles  as  a  hansom  cab 
propelled  by  a  bullock,  and  a  kind  oi  palkcc  borne  by 
two  members  of  the  flunkey  caste? 

He  further  displays  his  colossal  ignorance  by  the 
introduction  of  a  snake  charmer — a  character  who, 
even  assuming  that  he  ever  made  his  debut  on  a 
London  roadway,  would  be  speedily  run  in,  with  all 
his  serpents,  for  obstructing  traffic. 

Moreover,  where  is  his  authority  for  representing  an 
adjutant  bird  as  an  ordinary  London  fowl? 

Time  and  patience  fail  me  to  indicate  the  countless 
and  howling  croppers  which  Mr  Pahtridhji  has  achieved 
in  the  space  of  this  single  picture. 

But  I  say  once  more  :  unless  it  is  possible  to  provide 
a  novel  of  this  calibre  with  congenial  and  appropriate 
drawings  by  an  artist  who  is  acquainted  with  what  is 
what,  it  is  infinitely  preferable  to  dispense  with  illustra- 
tions altogether  than  to  disfigure  such  a  work  with 
mediocre  and  puerile  pictures  1 

H.  B.  J. 


A  RACE  AGAINST  TIME  89 

she  shall  cover  the  distance  on  shank's  mare, 
for  I  will  ride  her  to  Epsom  in  proprid 
persona ! " 

So  courageous  a  determination  elicited  loud 
cheers  from  the  bystanders,  who  cordially 
advised  him  to  put  his  best  legs  foremost  as  he 
mounted  his  mettlesome  crack,  and  set  off  with 
broken-necked  speed  for  Epsom. 

I  must  request  my  indulgent  readers  to 
excuse  this  humble  pen  from  depicting  the 
horrors  of  that  wild  and  desperate  ride.  Suffice 
it  to  say  that  the  road  was  chocked  full  with 
every  description  of  conveyance,  and  that  Mr 
Bhosh  was  haunted  by  two  terrible  apprehen- 
sions, viz.,  that  he  might  meet  with  some 
shocking  upset,  and  that  he  should  arrive  the 
day  after  the  fair. 

As  he  urged  on  his  headlong  career,  he  was 
constantly  inquiring  of  the  occupants  of  the 
various  vehicles  if  he  was  still  in  time  for  the 
Derby,  and  they  invariably  hallooed  to  him 
that  if  he  desired  to  witness  the  spectacle  he 
was  to  buck  himself  up. 


90      A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Mr  Bhosh  bucked  himself  up  to  such  good 
purpose  that,  long  before  the  clock  struck  one, 
his  eyes  were  gladdened  by  beholding  the 
summit  of  Epsom  grand  stand  on  the  distant 
hill-tops. 

Leaning  himself  forward,  he  whispered  in 
the  shell-like  ear  of  Milky  Way :  "  Only  one 
more  effort,  and  we  shall  have  preserved  both 
our  bacons  ! " 

But,  alas !  he  had  the  mortification  to  per- 
ceive that  the  legs  of  Milky  Way  were 
already    becoming    tremulous    from    incipient 

grogginess. 

•  «  «  *  « 

And  now,  beloved  reader,  let  me  respectfully 
beg  you  to  imagine  yourself  on  the  Epsom 
Derby  Course  immediately  prior  to  the  grand 
event.  What  a  marvellous  human  farraeo ! 
All  classes  hobnobbing  together  higgledy- 
piggledy  ;  archbishops  with  acrobats  ;  benchers 
with  bumpkins  ;  counts  with  candlestickmakers ; 
dukes  with  druggists  ;  and  so  on  through  the 
entire  alphabet.     Some  spectators  in  carriages  ; 


A  RACE  AGAINST  TIME  91 

others  on  terra  firma ;  flags  flying ;  bands 
blowing ;  innumerable  refreshment  tents  rear- 
ing their  heads  proudly  into  the  blue 
Empyrean ;  policemen  gazing  with  smiling 
countenances  on  the  happy  multitudes  when 
not  engaged  in  running  them  in. 

Now  they  are  conducting  the  formality  of 
weighing  the  horses,  to  see  if  they  are  quali- 
fied as  competitors  for  the  Derby  Gold  Cup, 
and  each  horse,  as  it  steps  out  of  the  balancing 
scales  and  is  declared  eligible,  commences  to 
prance  jubilantly  upon  the  emerald  green  turf. 

{N.B. — The  writer  of  above  realistic  descrip- 
tion has  never  been  actually  present  at  any 
Derby  Race,  but  has  done  it  all  entirely  from 
assiduous  cramming  of  sporting  fictions.  This 
is  surely  deserving  of  recognition  from  a 
generous  public !) 

Now  follows  a  period  of  dismay — for  Milky 
Way,  the  favourite  of  high  and  low,  is  suddenly 
discovered  to  be  still  the  dark  horse !  The 
only  person  who  exhibits  gratification  is  the 
Duchess  Dickinson,  who  makes   her  entrance 


92       A  BAYAUD  FROM  BENGAL 

into  the  most  fashionable  betting  ring  and, 
accosting  a  leading  welsher,  cries  in  exulting 
accents  :  "  I  will  bet  a  million  to  a  monkey 
against  Milky   Way\" 

Even  the  welsher  himself  is  appalled  by  the 
enormity  of  such  a  stake  and  earnestly  counsels 
the  Duchess  to  substitute  a  more  economical 
wager,  but  she  scornfully  rejects  his  well-meant 
advice,  and  with  a  trembling  hand  he  inscribes 
the  bet  in  his  welching  book. 

No  sooner  has  he  done  so  than  the  saddling 
bell  breaks  forth  into  a  joyous  chime,  and  the 
crowd  is  convulsed  by  indescribable  emotions. 
"Huzza!  huzza!"  they  shout.  "Welcome  to 
the  missing  favourite,  and  three  cheers  for 
Milky  Way  \ " 

The  Duchess  had  turned  as  pale  as  a  witch, 
for,  galloping  along  the  course,  she  beholds  Mr 
Bhosh,  bereft  of  his  tall  hat  and  covered  with 
perspiration  and  dust,  on  the  very  steed  which 
she  fondly  hoped  had  been  mislaid  among  the 
left  luggage ! 


CHAPTER  XIII 

A  SENSATIONAL   DERBY  STRUGGLE 

Is  it  for  sordid  pelf  that  horses  race? 
Or  can  it  be  the  glory  that  they  go  for  ? 
Neither ;  they  know  the  steed  that  shows  best  pace 
Will  get  his  flogging  all  the  sooner  over ! 

Reflection  at  a  Racecourse. — H.  B.J. 

THE  Duchess,  seeing  that  her  plot  was 
foiled  by  the  unexpected  arrival  of 
Mr  Bhosh,  made  the  frantic  endeavour  to 
hedgfe  herself  behind  another  bet  of  a  million 
sterling  to  a  monkey  that  Milky  Way  was  to 
come  off  conqueror — but  in  vain,  since  none 
of  the  welshers  would  concede  such  very  long 
odds. 

So,  wrapping  her  features  in  a  veil  of 
feminine  duplicity,  she  advanced  swimmingly 
to  meet  Mr  Bhosh.  "  How  lucky  that  you 
have  arrived  on  the  neck  of  time !  "  she  said. 

93 


94     A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

*'  And  you  have  ridden  all  the  way  from  town  ? 
Tell  me  now,  would  not  you  and  your  dear 
horse  like  some  refreshment  after  so  tedious 
a  journey  ?  " 

"  Madam,"  said  Mr  Bhosh,  bowing  to  his 
saddle-bow,  while  his  optics  remained  fixed 
upon  the  Duchess  with  a  withering  glare. 
"We  are  not  taking  any  —  from  your 
hands." 

This  crushing  sarcasm  totally  abashed  the 
Duchess,  who  perceived  that  he  had  penetrated 
her  schemes  and  crept  away  in  discomfiture. 

After  this  incident  Milky  Way  was  subjected 
to  the  ordeal  of  trying  her  weight,  which  she 
passed  with  honours.  For — very  fortunately 
as  it  turned  out — the  twenty-four  hours'  starva- 
tion which  she  had  endured  as  left  luggage 
had  reduced  her  to  the  prescribed  number  of 
■  maunds,  which  she  would  otherwise  have  in- 
fallibly exceeded,  since  Mr  Bhosh,  being  as 
yet  a  tyro  in  training  Derby  cracks,  had 
allowed  her  to  acquire  a  superfluous  obesity. 

Thus   once    more   the    machinations  of  the 


A  DERBY  STRUGGLE  95 

Duchess  had  only  benefited  the  very  indi- 
vidual they  were  intended  to  injure! 

But  it  remained  necessary  to  hire  a  practical 
jockey,  since  Cadwallader  Perkin  was  still 
lamenting  in  dust  and  ashes  at  home,  so  Mr 
Bhosh  ran  about  from  pillow  to  post  en- 
deavouring to  borrow  a  rider  for  Milky 
Way. 

Owing,  probably,  to  the  Duchess's  artifices, 
he  encountered  nothing  but  refusals  and  pleas 
of  previous  engagement — until,  at  the  end  of 
the  tether  of  his  patience,  he  said  :  "  Since  my 
mare  cannot  compete  in  a  riderless  condition, 
I  myself  will  assume  command  and  steer  her 
to  victory ! " 

Upon  which  gallant  speech  the  entire  air 
became  darkened  by  clouds  of  upthrown  hats 
and  shouts  of  ''  Bravo,   Bindabun  !  " 

But  upon  this  the  pertinacious  Duchess 
lodged  the  objection  that  he  was  not  in  correct 
toggery,  and  that,  even  if  he  still  retained  his 
tall  hat,  it  would  be  contrary  to  etiquette  to 
ride  the  Derby  in  a  frock  coat. 


96      A  BAYAKD  FROM  BENGAL 

"Where  are  his  racing  colours?"  she  de- 
manded. 

"  Here /"  cn^A  Mr  Bhosh,  pulling  forth  the 
cream  and  sky-blue  silken  jacket  and  cap  from 
his  pockets,  and,  discarding  his  frock  coat,  he 
assumed  the  garbage  of  a  jockey  in  the  twinkle 
of  a  jiffy. 

**  I  protest,"  then  cried  the  undaunted 
Duchess,  "  against  such  cruelty  to  animals 
as  racing  an  overblown  mare  so  soon  after 
she  has  galloped  from  London !  " 

"  Your  stricture  is  just,  O  humane  and  dis- 
tinguished lady,"  responded  the  judge,  who 
had  conceived  a  violent  attachment  to  Milky 
Way  and  her  owner,  "and  I  will  willingly 
postpone  the  race  for  an  hour  or  two  until 
the  horse  has  recovered  her  breeze." 

"  Quite  unnecessary ! "  said  Bindabun. 
"My  mare  is  not  such  a  weakling  as  you 
imagine,  and  will  be  as  fit  as  a  flea  after 
she  has  imbibed  one  or  two  champagne 
bottles." 

And    his    prediction    was    literally    fulfilled, 


A  DERBY  STRUGGLE  97 

for  the  champagne  soon  rendered  Milky 
Way  playful  as  a  kitten.  Mr  Bhosh  ascended 
into  his  saddle  ;  the  other  horses  were  drawn 
up  in  single  rank  ;  the  starter  brandished  his 
flag — and  the  curtain  rose  on  such  a  race  as 
has,  perhaps,  never  been  equalled  in  the  annals 
of  the  Derby. 

The  rival  cracks  were  named  as  follows: 
—  Topsy  Turvey,  Poojah^  Brandy  Pawnee^ 
Tiffin  Bell^  Tripod,  Cut  Bono,  British  Juris- 
prudence and  Roseate  Smell.  The  betting 
was  even  on  the  field. 

Poojah  was  a  large  tall  horse  with  a  nude 
tail,  but  excessively  nimble  ;  Tripod,  on  the 
contrary,  was  a  small  cob  of  sluggish  habits 
and  needing  to  be  constantly  pricked ;  Tiffin 
Bell  was  a  piebald  of  goodly  proportions ; 
and  Roseate  Smell  was  of  same  sex  as 
Milky  Way,  though  more  vixenish  in 
character. 

Not  long  after  the  start  Mr  Bhosh  was 
chagrined  to  discover  that  he  was  all  behind- 
hand, and  he  almost  despaired  of  overtaking 

8 


98       A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

any  of  his  fore-runners.  Moreover,  he  was 
already  oppressed  by  painful  soreness,  due 
to  so  constantly  coming  in  contact  with  the 
saddle  during  his  ride  from  London — but  "  in 
for  a  penny,  in  for  a  pound  of  flesh,"  and  he 
plodded  on,  and  soon  had  the  good  luck  to 
recapture  some  of  his  lost  ground. 

It  was  the  old  fabulous  anecdote  of  the 
Hare  and  the  Tortoise.  First  of  all,  Topsy 
Turvey  was  tripped  up  by  a  rabbit's  hole ; 
then  Roseate  Smell  leaped  the  barrier  and 
joined  the  spectators,  while  Tripod  sprained 
his  offside  ankle.  Gradually  Mr  Bhosh 
passed  Brandy  Pawnee,  Cut  Bono,  and 
British  Jurisprudence^  until,  on  arriving  at 
Tottenham  Court  Corner,  only  Tiffui  Bell 
and  Poojah  remained  in  the  running. 

Tiffin  Bell  became  so  discouraged  by  the 
near  approach  of  Milky  Way  that  he 
dwindled  his  pace  to  a  paltry  trot,  so  Mr 
Bhosh  was  easily  enabled  to  defeat  him,  after 
which  by  Cyclopean  efforts  he  urged  his  mare 
until  she  and  Poojah  were  cheek  by  jowl. 


A  DERBY  STRUGGLE  99 

For   some   time    it  was  the  dingdong  race 
between  a  hammer  and  tongs ! 

Still,  as  the  quadrupeds  ploughed  their 
way  on,  Poojah  churlishly  refused  to  give 
place  aux  dames,  and  Milky  Way  began  to 
drop  to  the  rear.  Seeing  that  she  was 
utterly  incompetent  to  accelerate  her  speed 
and  therefore  in  imminent  danger  of  being 
defeated,  Chunder  Bindabun  had  the  happy 
inspiration  to  make  an  appeal  to  the  best 
feelings  of  the  rival  jockey,  whose  name  was 
Juggins. 

"Juggins!"  he  wheezed  in  an  agonised 
whisper,  "  I  am  a  poor  native  Indian,  totally 
unpractised  in  Derby  riding.  Show  me  some 
magnanimous  action,  and  allow  Milky  Way 
to  take  first  prize,  Juggins!" 

But  Mr  Juggins  responded  that  he  earnestly 
desired  that  Poojah  should  obtain  said  prize, 
and  applied  a  rather  severe  whipsmack  to  his 
willing  horse. 

*'  My  mare  is  the  favourite.  Juggins ! " 
pleaded   Mr   Bhosh.      "  By  defeating  her  you 


100  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

will  land  yourself  in  the  bad  odour  of  the  oi 
polloi.     Have  you  considered  that,  Juggins?" 

Juggins's  only  reply  was  to  administer 
more  whip-smacks,  but  Chunder  Bindabun 
persevered.  "  Consider  my  hard  case, 
Juggins !  If  I  am  beaten,  I  lose  both  a 
placens  uxor  and  the  pot  of  money.  If,  on 
the  other  hand,  I  come  in  first  at  the  head 
of  the  winning  pole  I  promise  to  share  my 
entire  fortune  with  you  !  " 

Upon  this,  the  kind-hearted  and  venial 
equestrian  relented,  warmly  protesting  that 
he  would  rather  be  a  proxime  accessit  and 
second  fiddle  than  deprive  another  human 
being  of  all  his  earthly  felicity,  and  accord- 
ingly he  reined  in  his  impetuous  courser 
with  such  consummate  skill  that  Milky  Way 
forged  ahead  by  the  length  of  a  nose. 

Thus  they  galloped  past  the  Grand  Stand, 
and,  as  Mr  Bhosh  gazed  upwards  and 
descried  the  elegant  form  of  the  Princess 
Petunia  standing  upon  the  topmost  roof, 
he    was    so    exalted   with   jubilation    that    he 


A  DERBY  STRUGGLE  101 

elevated  himself  in  his  stirrups  ;  and  waving 
his  cap  in  a  chivalrous  salute,  cried  out : 
"Hip-hip-hip!     I  am  ramping  in!" 

"  Then,"  I  hear  the  reader  exclaim,  **  it  is 
all  over,  and  Milky   Way  is  victorious." 

Please,  my  honble  friend,  do  not  be  so  pre- 
mature !  I  have  not  said  that  the  race  was 
over.  There  are  still  some  yards  to  the 
judge's  bench,  and  it  is  always  on  the  racing 
cards  that  Poojah  may  prove  the  winner 
after  all. 

Such  inquisitive  curiosity  shall  be  duly 
satisfied  in  the  next  chapter,  which  is  also 
the  last. 


CHAPTER  XIV 
A  GRAND  FINISH 

Happy  Aurora  is  a  happy  Aurora  ! 
Hip,  Hip,  Hip,  Hip,  Hurrah  !  Hurrah  ! 

Dr  Rclm  Kinoo  Dutt  (of  Chittagonq). 

ON  the  summit  of  the  Grand  Stand  might 
have  been  observed  groups  of  specta- 
tors eagerly  awaiting  the  finish.  Conspicuous 
amongst  them  were  Princess  Petunia  (most 
sumptuously  attired)  and  her  parent,  Mer- 
chant-prince Jones  ;  and  close  by  Duke  and 
Duchess  Dickinson,  following  the  classic  con- 
test through  binocular  glasses. 

Poojah  will  prove  to  be  the  wiimer  !  .  .  . 
No,  it  is  Milky  Way!  .  .  .  They  are  neck 
or  nothing !  It  will  be  a  deceased  heat ! " 
exclaimed  the  excited  populaces. 

And  the  beauteous  Petunia  was  as  if  seated 


A  GRAND  FINISH  103 

upon  the  spike  of  suspense,  since  Mr  Bhosh's 
success  was  a  siiie  qua  non  to  their  union. 
Suddenly  came  the  glad  shout  :  "  The 
Favourite  takes  the  cake  with  a  canter ! " 
and  Duchess  Dickinson  became  pallid  with 
anguish,  for,  rich  as  she  was,  she  could  ill 
afford  to  become  the  loser  of  a  cool  million. 

The  shout  was  strictly  veracious,  for  Mr 
Bhosh  was  ruling  the  roast  by  half-a-head, 
and  Poojah  was  correspondingly  behind. 
*'  Made  virtute ! "  cried  Princess  Petunia,  in 
the  silvery  tones  of  a  highly-bred  bell,  while 
she  violently  agitated  her  sun-umbrella  :  "  O 
my  beloved  Bindabun,  do  not  fall  behind  at 
eleven  o'clock ! " 

And,  as  though  in  answer  to  this  appeal 
(which  he  did  not  overhear),  she  beheld  her 
triumphant  suitor  saluting  the  empress  of  his 
soul  with  uplifted  jockey-cap. 

Alack !  it  was  the  fatal  piece  of  politeness ; 
since,  to  avoid  falling  off,  he  was  compelled 
to  moderate  the  speed  of  his  racer  while 
performing    it,   and  Juggins,   either    repenting 


104  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

his  good-nature,  or  unable  any  longer  to  re- 
strain the  impetuosity  of  Poojah^  was  carried 
first  past  the  winning-pole,  Mr  Bhosh  follow- 
ing on  Milky   Way  as  the  bad  second ! 

At  this  the  Princess  Petunia  emitted  a 
doleful  scream  ;  like  Freedom,  which,  as  some 
poet  informs  us,  "  squeaked  when  Kockiusko 
(a  Japanese  gentleman)  fell,"  and  suspended 
her  animation  for  several  minutes,  while  the 
Duchess  "grinned  a  horrible  ghastly  smile," 
as  described  by  Poet  Milton  in  Paradise  Lost, 
at  Mr  Bhosh's  shocking  defeat  and  her  own 
gain  of  a  million,  though  all  true  sportsmen 
present  deeply  sympathised  with  our  hero 
that  he  should  be  thus  wrecked  in  sight  of 
port  on  account  of  an  ordinary  act  of  courtesy 
to  a  female ! 

But  Mr  Bhosh  preserved  his  withers  as 
unwrung  as  though  he  possessed  the  hide  of 
a  rhinoceros.  "  Honble  Sir,"  said  he,  ad- 
dressing the  Judge,  "I  humbly  beg  permis- 
sion to  claim  this  Derby  race  and  lodge  an 
objection  against  my  antagonist." 


A  GRAND  FINISH  105 

**  On  what  grounds  ? "  was  the  naturally 
astonished  rejoinder. 

"  On  the  grounds,"  deliberately  replied 
Chunder  Bindabun,  "  that  he  surreptitiously 
did  pull  his  horse's  head." 

Juggins  was  too  dumbfoundered  to  reply 
to  the  accusation,  and  several  spectators  came 
forward  to  testify  that  they  had  personally 
witnessed  him  curbing  his  steed,  and  —  it 
being  contrary  to  the  lex  non  scripta  of  turf 
etiquette  to  pull  at  a  horse's  head  when  he 
is  winning — Juggins  was  very  ignominiously 
plucked  by  the  Jockey's  Club. 

The  Duchess  made  the  desperate  attempt 
to  argue  that,  if  Juggins  was  a  pot,  Mr  Bhosh 
was  a  kettle  of  equally  dark  complexion,  since 
he  also  had  reined  up  before  attaining  the  goal 
— but  Chunder  Bindabun  was  able  easily  to 
show  that  he  had  done  so,  not  with  any  intention 
to  forfeit  his  stakes,  but  merely  to  salute  his 
betrothed,  whereas  Juggins  had  pulled  to  pre- 
vent his  horse  from  achieving  the  conquest. 

So,    to    Mr    Bhosh's    inexpressible   delight, 


106  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

the  Derby  Cup,  full  as  an  egg  with  golden 
sovereigns,  was  awarded  to  him,  and  the 
notorious  blue  ribbon  was  pinned  by  the  judge 
upon  his  proud  and  heaving  bosom. 

But,  as  he  was  reverting,  highly  elated,  to 
the  side  of  his  beloved  amidst  the  acclamations 
of  the  multitude,  the  disreputable  Juggins  had 
the  audacity  to  pluck  his  elbow  and  demand 
the  promised  ^uid  pro  quo. 

"For  what  service?"  inquired  Chunder 
Bindabun  in  amazement. 

"Why,  did  you  not  promise  me  the  moiety 
of  your  fortune,  honble  Sir,"  was  the  reply, 
**  if  I  allowed  you  to  be  the  winner  ? " 

Mr  Bhosh  was  of  an  exceptionally  mild, 
just  disposition,  but  such  a  piece  of  cheeky 
chicanery  as  this  aroused  his  fiercest  indigna- 
tion and  rendered  him  cross  as  two  sticks. 
"  O  contemptible  trickster !  "  he  said,  in  terrific 
tones,  "my  promise  (as  thou  knowest  well) 
was  on  condition  that  I  was  first  past  the 
winning-pole.  Whereas — owing  to  thy  per- 
fidy— I    was   only   the   bad    second.     Do   not 


Tllli    KOTORIOLS    BLUE    KIBHON     WAS    PINNED    BY    THE    JUDGE    UPON 
HIS    PROUD    AND    HEAVING    BOSOM. 


AUTHOR'S  NOTE  OX  ILLUSTRATION  Xo.  VIII. 


After  having  been  compelled  to  pluck  so  many  crows 
with  Mr  Pahtridhji,  I  would  gladly  (if  I  could)  commend 
his  final  attempt  without  reserve. 

And  I  cheerfully  allow  that  he  has  rather  cleverly 
succeeded  in  delineating  both  the  modest  elation  of 
Mr  Bhosh  and  the  paternal  benevolence  on  the  judicial 
physiognomy. 

But  heigho  !  summit  ainari  aliqitid — and  Mr  Pahtridhji, 
of  course,  was  fated  to  insert  the  cloven  hoof  of  inaccuracy 
into  some  portion  of  what  might  otherwise  have  been  a 
passably  correct  presentment  of  a  very  simple  episode  ! 

Surely,  surely  even  a  native  artist  might  have  known 
that  the  judge  who  decides  such  an  open  air  affair  as  the 
Derby  race  does  not  assume  his  wig  and  gown  for  the 
purpose,  nor  is  he,  necessarily,  even  a  member  of  the 
legal  profession  !  Moreover,  if  such  a  judge  indulges  in 
tobacco  in  any  form  (as  to  which  I  express  no  opinion), 
then  indubitably  he  would  not  employ  a  pipe  of  a  pattern 
which  only  an  Oriental  could  puff  without  experiencing 
severe  internal  disturbances. 

I  am  confoundedly  sorry  now  that  I  did  not  take  the  pre- 
caution of  supplying  my  illustrator  with  a  few  photographs 
of  ordinary  English  characters,  as  I  actually  proposed  to 
do,  only  unfortunately  my  aforesaid  young  English  friend 
earnestly  assured  me  that  Mr  P.  would  be  as  right  as  rain, 
provided  that  I  left  him  a  free  hand. 

And  these  are  the  free-hand  drawings  which  have 
resulted  ! 

All  I  can  say  is,  that  if  my  Publishers  persist  in  includ- 
ing' them  in  the  volume,  they  must  be  prepared  to  take 
the  consequences.  .Should  this  novel  fail  to  secure  the 
brilliant  ovation  which  I  anticipate  for  it,  don't  blame 
me,  Misters  ! 

H.  B.  J. 


A  GRAND  FINISH  107 

attempt  to  hunt  with  the  hare  and  run  with 
hounds.      Depart  to  lower  regions  !  " 

And  Juggins  sHnked  into  obscurity  with 
fallen  chops. 

Benevolent  and  forbearing  readers,  this  un- 
assuming tale  is  near  its  finis.  Owing  to  his 
brilliant  success  at  the  Derby,  Mr  Bhosh  was 
now  rolling  on  cash,  and,  as  the  prediction 
of  the  Astrologer- Royal  was  fulfilled,  there 
was  no  longer  any  objection  to  his  union  with 
the  Princess  Jones,  with  whom  he  accordingly 
contracted  holy  matrimony,  and  now  lives  in 
great  splendour  at  Shepherd's  Bush,  since  all 
his  friends  earnestly  besought  him  that  he 
was  not  to  return  to  India.  He  therefore 
naturalised  himself  as  a  full-blooded  British, 
and  further  adopted  a  coat-of-arms  from  the 
Family  Herald,  with  a  splendidly  lofty  crest, 
and  the  motto  ''Sans  Peur  et  Sans  Reprochey 
("Not  being  funky  myself,  I  do  not  reproach 
others  with  said  failing" — -free  translatiofi.) 

But  what  of  the  wicked  Duchess  ?  I  have 
to  record  that,  being  unable  to  pay  the  welsher 


108  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

her  bet  of  a  million  pounds,  she  was  solemnly 
pronounced  a  bankruptess  and  incarcerated 
(by  a  striking  instance  of  the  tit-for-tat  of 
Fate)  in  the  identical  Old  Bailey  cell  to  which 
she  had  consigned  Chunder  Bindabun ! 

And  in  her  case  the  gaoler's  fair  daughter, 
Miss  Caroline,  did  not  exhibit  the  same 
softheartedness.  Mr  Bhosh  and  his  Princess- 
bride,  being  both  of  highly  magnanimous 
idiosyncrasies,  for  some  time  visited  their 
relentless  foe  in  her  captivity,  carrying  her 
fruit  and  flowers  and  sweets  of  inexpensive 
qualities,  but  were  received  in  such  a  cold, 
standoffish  style  that  they  soon  discontinued 
such  thankless  civilities. 

As  for  Milky  Way,  she  is  still  hale  and 
flourishing,  though  she  has  never  since  dis- 
played the  phenomenal  speed  of  her  first  (and 
probably  her  last)  Derby  race.  She  may 
often  be  seen  in  the  vicinity  of  Shepherd's 
Bush,  harnessed  to  a  small  basketchaise,  in 
which  are  Mr  and  Mrs  Bhosh  and  some  of 
their  blooming  progenies. 


A  GRAND  FINISH  109 

Here,  with  the  PubHc's  kind  permission, 
we  will  leave  them,  and  although  this  trivial 
and  unpretentious  romance  can  claim  no  merit 
except  its  undeviating  fidelity  to  nature,  I 
still  venture  to  think  that,  for  sheer  excite- 
ment and  brilliancy  of  composition,  &c.,  it  will 
be  found,  by  all  candid  judges,  to  compare 
rather  favourably  with  more  showy  and  mere- 
tricious fictions  by  overrated  English  novelists. 


End 

OF 

A  Bayard  from  Bengal. 


N.B. — /  cannot  conscientiously  recommend  the  Indulgent 
Reader  to  proceed  any  further— for  reasons  which,  should 
he  do  so,  "will  be  obvious.  H.  B.  J. 


THE   PARABLES   OF   PILJOSH 

FREELY   RENDERED    INTO   ENGLISH    FROM   THE   ORIGINAL   STYPTIC 
WITH    INTRODUCTION   AND   NOTES 

BY 

H.    B.    JABBERJEE,    B.A. 

INTRODUCTION 

I  SHALL  begin  by  begging  that  it  may  not 
be  supposed  either  that  /  am  the  Author 
or  even  the  Translator  of  the  appended  fables  ! 

The  plain  truth  of  the  matter  is  that  I  am 
far  indeed  from  standing  agog  with  amazement 
at  their  literary  or  other  excellences,  and 
inclined  rather  to  award  them  the  faint  damna- 
tion of  a  very  mediocre  eulogy. 

But  it  so  happens  that  the  actual  translator 
is  the  same  young  English  friend  who  kindly 
furnished  me  with  a  few  selected  poetic  extracts 
for  my  Society  novel,  and  has  earnestly  en- 
treated me  (as  the  quid  pro  quo ! )  to  compose 
•in  introduction  and  notes  for  his  own  effusion, 


112     THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH 

alleging  that  it  is  a  sine  qua  non  nowadays  for 
all  first  class  Classics  to  be  issued  with  intro- 
duction, notes  and  appendix  by  some  literary 
knob — otherwise  they  speedily  become  obsolete 
and  still-born. 

Therefore  I  readily  consented  to  oblige  him, 
although  I  am  no  au  fait  in  the  Styptic  dialect, 
and  cannot  therefore  be  held  answerable  for 
the  accuracy  of  my  friend's  translation,  which 
he  admits  himself  is  of  a  rather  free  description. 

Of  the  Philosopher  who  composed  these 
Proverbs  or  Fables  little  is  known,  even  in  his 
own  country,  except  that  (as  all  Scholiasts  are 
aware)  he  was  born  on  the  ist  of  April  1450 
(old  style),  and  for  some  years  filled  the  im- 
portant and  responsible  post  of  Archi-mandrake 
of  Paraprosdokian.  He  probably  met  with  a 
violent  end. 

I  shall  not  undertake  to  provide  a  note  to 
every  parable,  but  only  in  cases  where  I  think 
that  the  Parabolist  is  not  quite  as  luminous  as 
the  nose  on  one's  face,  and  needs  the  services 
of  an  experienced  interpreter.  H.  B.  J. 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     113 


The  Butterfly  visited  so  many  flowers  that 
she  fell  sick  of  a  surfeit  of  nectar.  She  called 
it  "  Nervous  Breakdown." 

*'  Instead  of  vainly  lamenting  over  those  we 
have  lost,"  said  the  young  Cuckoo  severely, 
to  the  Father  and  Mother  Sparrow,  "  it  seems 
to  me  that  you  should  be  rejoicing  that  /  am 
still  spared  to  you  !  " 

Note. — A  mere  plagiaristic  adaptation  of  the  trite 
adage  concerning  the  comparative  values  of  birds  in 
the  hand  and  in  the  bush. — H.  B.  J. 

"  I  am  old  enough  to  be  thy  Grandfather !  " 
the  Egg  informed  the  Chicken. 

"In  that  case,"  replied  the  Chicken,  "it  is 
high  time  thou  bestirredst  thyself!  " 

"  Not  so ! "  said  the  Egg,  "  since  the  longer 
I  remain  quiescent,  the  fitter  I  shall  be  for  the 
career  that  is  destined  for  me." 

9 


114  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

"Indeed,"  inquired  the  Chicken,  "and  what 
may  that  be  ?  " 

^^ Politics!''  answered  the  Egro-  with  im- 
portance. 

And   the  Chicken  pondered  long  over  that 

saying. 

Note. — I  must  confess  to  following  the  Chicken's 
precedent,  without  arriving  at  any  solution.  For, 
logically,  an  Egg  must  be  the  junior  of  any  Chicken. 
And  again,  even  for  parabolical  purposes,  it  is  far- 
fetched to  represent  an  Egg  as  a  potential  Member 
of  Parliament.  On  the  whole,  I  am  not  entirely 
satisfied  that  my  young  friend  is  so  proficient  in 
acquaintance  with  Cryptic  as  he  has  represented 
to  me.— H.  B.  J. 

There  is  only  one  thing  that  irritateth  a 
woman  more  than  the  man  who  doth  not 
understand  her,  and  that  is  the  man  who 
doth. 

A  certain  Artificer  constructed  a  mechanical 
Serpent  which  was  so  marvellously  natural  that 
it  bit  him  in  the  back.  "  Had  I  but  another 
hour  to  live,"  he  lamented  in  his  last  agonies, 
"  I  would  have  patented  the  invention  I " 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSII     115 

The  Woman  was  so  determined  to  be  inde- 
pendent of  Man  that  she  voluntarily  became 
the  slave  of  a  Machine. 

Note. — I  do  not  understand  the  meaning  of  the 
Fabulist  here. — H.  B.  J. 

**  She  used  to  be  so  fresh ;  but  she  is  gone 
off  terribly  since  I  first  knew  her!"  said  the 
Slug  of  the  Strawberry. 

Note.  —  See  my  remark  on  the  last  parable. — 
H.  B.  J. 

"  Now,  I  call  that  downright  Plagiarism ! " 
observed  the  Ass,  when  he  heard  the  Lion 
roar. 

"  A  cheery  laugh  goes  a  long  way  in  this 
world !  "  remarked  the  Hyena. 

"  But  a  bright  smile  goes  further  still ! "  said 

the  Alligator,  as  he  took  him  in. 

Note. — If  the  honble  Philosopher  is  censuring 
here  merely  the  assumption  of  hilarity  and  not 
ordinary    quiet    facetiousness,  I    am    entirely   with 


116  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

him.  But  I  rather  regard  him  as  a  total  deficient 
in  Humour  and  fanatically  opposed  to  it  in  any 
form.— H.  B.  J. 


•*  I  trust  I  have  now  made  myself  perfectly 
clear  ?  "  observed  the  Cuttlefish,  after  discharg- 
ing his  ink. 

The  Cockney  was  assured  that,  if  he  placed 
the  Sea-shell  to  his  ear,  he  would  hear  the 
murmur  of  Ocean. 

But  all  he  caught  distinctly  was  the  melody 
of  negro  minstrels. 

"  It  is  some  satisfaction  to  feel  that  we  have 

both  been  sacrificed  in  a  thoroughly  deserving 

cause  ! "    said  the  Brace-button,   complacently, 

to  the  Threepenny   Bit,  as   they   met  in   the 

Offertory  Bag. 

Note. — This  must  be  some  local  allusion,  for  I 
do  not  know  what  sort  of  receptacle  an  Offertory 
Bag  may  be,  or  why  such  articles  should  be  inserted 
therein.— H.  B.  J. 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     117 

Mistrust  the  Bridegroom  who  appeareth  at 
his  wedding  with  sticking-plaster  on  his  chin 
[or  "  without  sticking-plaster,"  &c. — the  Styptic 
is  capable  of  either  interpretation. — Trans?\^. 

Note. — Then  I  will  humbly  say  that  it  must  be  a 
peculiarly  elastic  tongue.  But  in  eWier  form  the 
Proverb  is  meaningless. — H.  B.  J. 

"What!  —  My  Original   dead?"    cried   the 

Statue.     "  Then    I    have    lost    all    chance    of 

ever  becoming  celebrated !  " 

Note. — This  is  an  obvious  mistranslation,  since  a 
Statue  is  only  erected  when  the  Original  is  already 
celebrated.— H.  B.  J. 

"  What  is  your  favourite  Perfume  ? "  they 
asked  the  Hog,  and  he  answered  them,  "  Pig- 
wash." 

"  How  vulgar !  "  exclaimed  the  Stoat.  **  Mine 
is  Patchouli ! " 

But  the  Fox  said  that,  in  his  opinion,  the 
less  scent  one  used  the  better. 

Note. — This  merely  records  the  well-known 
physiological  fact  that  some  persons  are  born  with' 


118  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

out  the  olfactory  sense.  Emperor  Vespasian  was 
accustomed  to  declare  (erroneously)  that  "  pecunia 
non  olet."— H.  B.  J. 


"  I  wonder  they  allow  such  a  cruel  contriv- 
ance as  that  *  Catch  'em  alive,  oh  ! '  paper !  " 
said  the  Spider  tearfully,  as  she  sat  in  her  web. 

Note. — From  this  we  learn  that  there  may  be  a 
soft  spot  in  the  most  unpromising  quarters.  Even 
Alexander  the  Great,  who  spent  the  blood  of  his 
troops  like  pocket  money,  is  recorded  to  have  wept 
at  a  review  on  suddenly  reflecting  that  all  his 
soldiers  would  probably  be  deceased  in  a  hundred 
years.  It  is  barely  possible  that  Piljosh  may  have 
been  a  spectator  of  this  incident. — H.  B.  J. 


A  certain  Pheasant  was  pluming  herself 
upon  having  become  a  member  of  the  Anti- 
Sporting  League. 

"  Softly,  friend  !  "  said  a  wily  old  Cock,  "  for, 
should  this  League  of  thine  succeed  in  its 
object,  every  man's  hand  would  be  against  us 
both  by  day  and  night ;  whereas,  at  present, 
our  lives  are   protected  all   night  by  vigilant 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     119 

keepers,  and  spared  all  day  by  our  owner  and 

his  guests,  who  are  incapable  of  shooting  for 

nuts !  " 

Note. — This  is  a  glaring  non  sequitur  and  fallacy. 
I  myself  have  never  shot  for  nuts — but  it  does  not 
necessarily  follow  that  any  pheasant  would  remain 
intact  after  I  discharged  my  rifle-barrel  ! — H.  B.  J. 

**  It   is   not  what   we   look  that   signifieth," 

said   the    Scorpion  virtuously,  "it  is  what  we 

are\ 

Note. — True  enough — but  the  moral  would  have 
been  improved  by  attributing  the  saying  to  some 
insect  of  more  innocuous  character  than  a  Scorpion. 
Perhaps  this  is  so  in  the  original  Styptic,  for,  as  I 
have  said,  I  cannot  repose  implicit  faith  in  my 
young  friend's  version. — H.  B.  J. 

**  I  have  composed  the  most  pathetic  poem 
in  the  world  !  "  declared  the  Poet. 

"  How  can'st  thou  be  sure  of  that,"  he  was 
asked. 

"  Because,"  he  replied,  "  I  recited  it  to  the 
Crocodile,  and  she  could  not  refrain  from 
sheddincr  tears ! " 


120  A  BAVARD  FROM  BENGAL 

"  It  is  gratifying  to  find  oneself  appreciated 
at  last,"  said  the  Cabbage,  when  the  Cigar 
Merchant  labelled  him  as  a  Cabana. 

"  Don't  talk  to  me  about  Cactus,"  said  the 
Ostrich  contemptuously  to  the  Camel.  "In- 
sipid stuff,  /  call  it !  No — for  real  flavour 
and  delicacy,  give  me  a  pair  of  Sheffield 
scissors ! " 

"  The  accommodation  might  be  more 
luxurious,  it's  true,"  remarked  the  philosophic 
Mouse,  when  he  found  himself  in  the  Trap, 
"  but,  after  all,  it's  not  as  if  I  was  going  to 
stay  here  long\  " 

"  People  tell  me  he  can  shine  when  he 
chooses,"  said  the  Extinguisher  of  the  Candle. 
"  All  /  know  is,  he's  positively  dull  whenever 
he's  with  me !  " 

There  was  once  a  Musical  Box  which  played 
but   one   tune,  to  which  its  owner  was  never 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     121 

weary  of  listening.  But,  after  a  time,  he 
desired  a  novelty,  and  could  not  rest  until  he 
had  exchanged  the  barrel  for  another.  How- 
ever,  he  sickened  of  the  second  tune  sooner 
than  of  the  first,  and  so  he  exchanged  it  for  a 
third,  which  he  liked  not  at  all. 

Accordingly  he  commanded  that  the  Box 
should  return  to  the  first  tune  of  all — and  lo ! 
this  had  become  an  abomination  unto  his  ears, 
nor  could  he  conceive  how  he  had  ever  been 
able  to  endure  it ! 

So  the  Musical  Box  was  laid  upon  the  shelf, 
and  the  Owner  procured  for  himself  a  cheap 
mouth-organ  which  could  play  any  air  that  was 
suggested  to  it,  and  thus  became  an  established 
favourite. 

Note. — This  is  apparently  designed  to  illustrate 
the  ficklety  of  the  Musical  Character. — H,  B.  J. 

"  Do  come  in !  "  snapped  the  severed  Shark's 
Head  to  the  Ship's  Cat.  "As  you  perceive, 
I  am  carrying  on  business  as  usual  during  the 
alterations." 


122  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

The  Bulbul  had  no  sooner  finished  her  song 
than  the  Bullfrog  began  to  make  profuse  apo- 
logies for  having  left  his  music  at  home. 

To  a  Butterscotch  Machine  the  Penny  and 

the  Tin  Disc  are  alike. 

Note. — Surely  not  if  an  official  is  looking  on ! — 
H.  B.  J. 

"  My  dears,"  said  the  Converted  Cannibal 
reverently  to  his  Wife  and  Family,  as  they 
sat  down  to  their  Baked  Missionary,  "do 
not  let  us  omit  to  ask  a  blessing ! " 

There  is  but  one  Singer  whom  it  Is  futile 
to  encore — and  that  is  a  Dying  Swan. 

"  I  am  doing  a  series  of  *  Notable  Nests ' 
for  '  Sylvan  Society,'  said  the  insinuating  Ser- 
pent, on  finding  the  Ringdove  at  home,  "and 
I  should  so  much  like  to  include ^^«."  "You 
are  very  kind,"  said  the  Ringdove,  in  a  flutter, 
"but  I  can  assure  you  that  there  is  no  more 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     123 

in  my  poor  little  eggs  than  in  any  other 
bird's ! "  "  That  may  be,"  replied  the  Serpent, 
"  but  I  must  live  somehow !  " 

"  No  outsiders  there — only  just  their  own 
particular  set ! "  said  the  Cocksparrow,  when 
he  came  home  after  having  been  to  tea  with 
the  Birds  of  Paradise. 

The  Elephant  was  dying  of  starvation,  and 
a  kind-hearted  person  presented  him  with  an 
acidulated  drop. 

Note. — It  is  well-nigh  incredible  that  any  Philo- 
sopher should  be  so  ignorant  of  Natural  History  as 
to  imagine  that  any  Elephant  would  accept  an  acid 
drop,  even  if  it  «ras  on  its  last  legs  for  want  of 
nutrition. 

The  conclusion  of  this  anecdote  would  seem  to 
be  either  lost,  or  unfit  for  publication. — H.  B.  J. 

There  was  once  a  famous  Violinist  who  sere- 
naded his  Mistress  every  evening,  performing 
the  most  divine  melodies  upon  his  instrument. 

But  all  the  while  she  was  straining"  her  ears 
to  listen  to  a  piano -organ  round  the  corner 
which  was  playing  "  Good-bye,  Dolly  Gray ! " 


124  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

The  Performing  Lioness  kisses  her  Trainer 
on  the  mouth — but  only  in  public. 


The  Candle  complained  bitterly  of  the  un- 
pleasantness of  seeing  so  many  scorched  moths 
in  her  vicinity. 

"  I  have  taken  such  a  fancy  to  thee,"  said 
the  Hawk  genially  to  the  Field-Mouse,  "that 
I  am  going  to  put  thee  into  a  really  good 
thing." 

And  he  opened  his  beak. 

There  are  persons  who  have  no  sense  of  the 
fitness  of  things. 

Like  the  Grasshopper,  who  insisted  on  putting 
the  Snail  up  for  the  Skipping  Club. 

The  Cat  scratched  the  Dog's  nose  out  of 
sheer  playfulness  —  but  she  had  no  time  to 
explain. 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     125 

"  After  all,  it  is  pleasant  to  be  at  home 
aofain ! "  said  the  Eaorle's  feathers  on  the  shaft 
that  pierced  him. 

But  the  Eagle's  reply  is  not  recorded. 

Note. — Poet  Byron  also  mentions  this  incident. — 
H.  B.  J. 

A  certain  Painter  set  himself  to  depict  a 
lovely  landscape.  **  See ! "  he  cried,  as  he 
exhibited  his  canvas  to  a  Passing  Stranger, 
"doth  not  this  my  picture  resemble  the  scene 
with  exactitude  ?  " 

*'  Since  thou  desirest  to  know,"  was  the 
reply,  "thou  seemest  to  me  to  have  portrayed 
nothing  but  a  manure  heap  !  " 

"And  am  /  to  blame,"  exclaimed  the  in- 
dignant Painter,  "  if  a  manure  heap  chanced 
to  be  immediately  in  front  of  me  ?  " 

Before  a  Man  marrieth  a  Woman  he  de- 
lighteth  to  describe  unto  her  all  his  doings — 
even  the  most  unimportant. 

But,  after  marriage,  he  considereth  that  such 
talk  may  savour  too  much  of  egotism. 


126  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

Note. — This  is  very  very  shallow.  I  have  never 
experienced  any  such  compunctiousness  with  my 
own  wives. — H.  B.  J. 

"  I  shouldn't  have  minded  so  much,"  said  the 
Bee,  with  some  bitterness,  just  before  breath- 
ing his  last  in  the  honey-pot,  "  only  it  happens 
to  be  my  own  make !  " 

"Is  the  White  Rabbit  beautiful  ? "  someone 
inquired  of  the  Albino  Rat. 

•'  She  might  be  passable  enough,"  replied 
the  Rat,  "but  for  one  most  distressing  defor- 
mity.    She  has  pink  eyes ! " 

When  the  Ass  was  asked  about  his  Cousin 
the  Zebra,  he  said  :  "  Do  not  speak  about  him 
— for  he  has  disgraced  us  all.  Never  before 
has  there  been  any  eccentricity  in  our  family  I" 

The  full-blown  Sausage  professeth  to  have 
forgotten  the  days  of  his  puppyhood. 

**  Will  you  allow  me  to  pass  ? "  said  the 
courteous  Garden  Roller  to  the  Snail. 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     127 

Had  anyone  met  the  Red  Herring  in  the 
sea  and  foretold  that  he  would  one  day  be 
pursued  by  Hounds  across  a  difficult  country, 
the  Herring  would  have  accounted  him  but  a 
vain  babbler. 

Yet  so  it  fell  out ! 

Note. — I  shrewdly  suspect  that  my  young  friend 
has  made  the  rather  natural  mistake  of  substituting 
the  word  "  Red  Herring  "  for  "  Flying  Fish." 

It  is  not  absolutely  incredible  that  one  of  the 
latter  department  should  fly  inland  and  be  chased 
by  Dogs — but  even  Piljosh  should  be  aware  that  no 
Herring  could  pop  off  in  such  a  way. — H.  B.  J. 

An  Officious  Busybody,  perceiving  a  Phoenix 
well  alight,  promptly  extinguished  her  by  means 
of  a  convenient  watering-pot. 

*'  Had  you  refrained  from  this  uncalled  for 

interference,"    said    the  justly    irate    Bird,    "  I 

should  by  this  time  be  rising  gloriously  from 

my  ashes — instead  of  presenting  the  ridiculous 

appearance  of  a  partially  roasted  Fowl !  " 

Note. — I  can  offer  no  explanation  of  this  allegory, 
except  to  remind  the  reader  that  the  Phoenix  is  the 
notorious  symbol  for  a  fire  insurance. — H.  B.  J. 


128  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

"  Alas !  "  sighed  the  Learned  Pig,  while  ex- 
piring from  inflammation  of  the  brain,  brought 
on  by  a  laborious  endeavour  to  ascertain  the 
sum  of  two  and  two,  "  Why,  why  was  I  cursed 
with  Intellect  ?  " 

"  I  shall  know  better  another  time ! "  gasped 
the  Fish,  as  he  lay  in  the  Landing-net. 

A  certain  Merchant  sold  a  child  a  sharp 
sword :  "  Thou  hast  done  wrong  in  this," 
remonstrated  a  Sage,  "since  the  child  will 
assuredly  wound  either  himself  or  some  other." 

"/  shall  not  be  responsible,"  cried  the 
Merchant,  **  for,  in  selling  the  sword,  I  did 
recommend  the  child  to  protect  the  point  with 
a  cork!" 


A  certain  grain  of  Millet  fell  out  of  a  sack 
in  which  it  was  being  carried  into  the  City, 
and  was  soon  trampled  in  the  dust. 

"  I  am  lost !  "  cried  the  Millet-seed.     **  Yet 


THE  PARABLES  OF  TILJOSH     129 

I  do  not  repine  so  much  for  myself  as  for 
those  countless  multitudes  who,  deprived  of 
me,  are  now  doomed  to  perish  miserably  of 
starvation ! " 


"  I  have  given  up  dancing,"  said  the  Tongs, 
"for  they  no  longer  dance  with  the  Elegance 
and  Grace  that  were  universal  in  my  young 
days ! " 

"  But  for  the  Mercy  of  Providence,"  said 
the  Fox,  piously,  to  the  Goose  whom  he  found 
in  a  trap  that  had  been  set  for  himself,  "  our 
respective  situations  might  now  be  reversed ! " 

"  She  really  sang  quite  nicely,"  remarked 
the  Cuckoo,  after  she  had  been  to  hear  the 
Nightingale  one  evening,  "  but  it's  a  pity 
her  range  is  so  sadly  limited ! " 


The  Mendicant  insisted  on  making  his  Will 

10 


130  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

"  But  what   hast   thou   to  leave  when  thou 

diest  ?  "   cried  the  Scribe. 

*•  As  much  as  the  richest,"  he  repHed  ;  *'  for 

when  I  die,   I  leave  the  entire  World ! " 

Note. — This  is  (if  not  incorrectly  translated)  a 
grotesque  and  puerile  allegation.  The  veriest  tyro 
is  aware  that  when  a  Millionaire  hops  the  twig  of 
his  existence,  he  leaves  more  behind  him  than  a 
mere  Mendicant ! — H.  B.  J. 

"Forgive  me,"  said  the  Toad  to  the 
Swallow,  "but,  although  you  may  not  be 
aware  of  it,  you  are  flying  on  totally  false 
principles ! " 

"Am  I?"  said  the  Swallow  meekly.  "I'm 
so  sorry !  Do  you  mind  showing  me  how  you 
doit.?" 

"  I  don't  fly  myself,"  said  the  Toad,  with  an 
air  of  superiority.  *'  I've  other  things  to  do — 
but  I  have  thoroughly  mastered  the  theory  of 
the  Art."' 

"  Then  teach  me  the  theory ! "  said  the 
Swallow. 

"Willingly,"  said  the  Toad;  "my  fee— to 
you — will  be  two  worms  a  lesson." 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     131 

*'  I  can't  bear  to  think  that  no  one  will  weep 
for  me  when  I  am  gone !  "  said  the  sentimental 
Fly,  as  he  flew  into  the  eye  of  a  Moneylender. 

Note.—Cf.  Poet  Byron : 
"  'Tis  sweet  to  know  there  is  an  eye  will  mark 
Our  coming,  and  look  brighter  when  we  come  ! " 

— H.  B.  J. 


A  certain  Cockatrice,  feeling  sociably  in- 
clined, entered  a  Mother's  Meeting,  bent  upon 
making  himself  agreeable  —  but  was  greatly 
mortified  to  find  himself  but  coldly  received. 

"  Women  are  so  particular  about  trifles ! " 
he  reflected  bitterly.  "  I  know  I  said  *  Good 
Afternoon'  with  my  mouth  full — but,  as  I 
explained,  I  had  just  been  lunching  at  the 
Infant  School!" 


"I  want  to  be  useful/'*  said  the  Silkworm, 
as  she  sat  down  and  "set"  a  sock  for  a 
Decayed  Centipede. 


132  A  BAYAUD  FROM  BENGAL 

A  Traveller  demanded  hospitality  from 
fourteen  Kurds,  who  were  occupying  one 
small   tent, 

"Enter  freely,"  said  the  Kurds,  "but  we 
must  warn  thee  that  thou  wilt  find  the  atmo- 
sphere exceedingly  unpleasant — for,  by  some 
inadvertence,  we  have  greased  our  boots  from 
a  jar  of  Attar  of  Roses!" 

Note. — Once  more  I  do  not  entirely  fathom  the 
Fabulist's  meaning — unless  it  is  that  such  a  valuable 
cosmetic  as  Attar  of  Roses  may  become  so  de- 
teriorated as  to  offend  even  the  nostril  organ  of  a 
Kurd .— H.  B.  J. 

A  certain  Basilisk  having  attained  great 
success  in  petrifying  all  who  came  under  his 
personal  observation,  there  was  a  Scheme  set 
afoot  to  present  him  with  some  Token  of 
popular  esteem  and  regard. 

"If  we  give  him  miythingy'  said  the  Fox, 
who  was  consulted  as  to  the  form  of  the 
proposed  Testimonial,  "  I  would  suggest  that 
it  should  take  the  shape  of  a  pair  of  Smoked 
Spectacles." 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     133 

Note.  —  The  Satire  here,  at  least,  is  obvious 
enough.  Smoked  spectacles  are  a  very  inexpensive 
gift— H.  B.  J. 


"How  truly  the  Poet  sang  that :  *  we  may- 
rise  on  stepping-stones  of  our  dead  selves  to 
higher  things ! '"  remarked  the  Chicken's  Merry- 
thought, when  it  found  itself  apotheosised  into 
a  Penwiper. 

Note. — A  young  lady,  that  shall  be  nameless,  once 
presented  me  with  a  very  similar  penwipe,  which 
represented  a  Church  of  England  ecclesiastic  in 
surplice  and  mortar-cap. — H.  B.  J. 


"  I  shall  not  have  perished  in  vain  !  "  gasped 
an  altruistic  Cockroach,  immediately  before 
expiring  from  an  overdose  of  Insect  Powder, 
"for,  after  this  fatality,  the  Owners  of  the 
House  will  doubtless  be  more  careful  how  they 
leave  such  stuff  about ! " 

Note. — British  Cockroaches,  however,  resemble 
Emperor  Mithridates  in  being  totally  impervious  to 
beetle  poison. — H.  B.  J. 


134  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

The  Sheep  was  so  exceedingly  tough  and 

old,  that  the  Wolf  had  thoughts  of  becoming  a 

Vegetarian. 

Note.  —  When  we  see  some  person  attaining 
Centenarian  longevity,  we  are  foolishly  inclined  to 
fancy  that,  by  adopting  their  diet,  we  also  are  to 
become  Methusalems ! — H.  B.  J. 

A  certain  Ant  that  had  lost  its  All  owing  to 
the  sudden  collapse  of  the  Bank  in  which  its 
savings  were  invested,  applied  to  a  Grass- 
hopper for  a  small  temporary  advance. 

"  I  am  sorry,  dear  boy,"  chirpily  replied  the 
Grasshopper,  "that,  although  I  am  playing  to 
big  business  every  evening,  I  have  not  put  by 
a  single  grain.  However,  I  will  get  up  a 
matinee  for  your  benefit." 

This  he  did  with  such  success  that,  next 
winter,  the  Ant  was  once  more  sufficiently 
prosperous  to  discharge  his  obligation  by 
offering  the  Grasshopper  a  letter  to  the 
Charity   Organisation    Society ! 

Note. — The  application  of  this  is  that  a  kind 
action  is  never  really  thrown  away — H.  B.  J. 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     135 

**  I  never  feel  quite  myself  till  I've  had  a 
good  bath ! "  said  the  Bird  whom  an  elderly 
Lady  had  purchased  from  a  Street  Boy  as  a 
Goldfinch. 

And  behold,  when  the  Bird  came  out  of  its 
saucer  of  water,  it  was  a  Sparrow ! 

Note. — Like  many  Philosophers,  Piljosh  would 
seem  to  have  had  no  great  hking  for  ablutions. 
But  water  which  could  transform  a  Goldfinch  into  a 
Sparrow  must  previously  have  been  enchanted  by 
some  Magician,  so  that  our  Parabolist's  shaft  misses 
fire  in  this  instance  (as  indeed  in  many  others !). 
Possibly,  however,  his  Translator  has  once  more 
proved  a  Traitor  ! — H.  B.  J. 

*'  Pride  not  yourself  upon  your  Lustre  and 
Symmetry,"  said  the  Jet  Ear-ring  austerely  to 
the  Pearl,  **  for,  after  all,  you  owe  your  beauty 
to  nothing  but  the  morbid  secretions  of  a 
Diseased  Oyster ! " 

"  I  am  sorry  to  spoil  your  moral,"  retorted 
the  Pearl  with  much  suavity,  "  but,  like  yourself, 
I  happen  to  be  Artificial." 

Note. — Inhabitants  of  glassy  mansions  should  not 
indulge  in  lapidation. — H.  B.  J. 


136  A  BAYARD  FROM  BENGAL 

"  Come  !  "  said  the  Peacock's  Feather  proudly 
to  the  Fly-flapper  and  the  Tin  Squeaker,  as 
the  final  illumination  flickered  out  and  they  lay 
in  the  gutter  together,  limp  and  exhausted 
with  their  exertions  in  tickling  and  generally 
exasperating  inoffensive  strangers.  "  They 
may  say  what  they  please  —  but  at  least  we 
have  shown  them  that  the  Spirit  of  Patriotism 
is  not  yet  extinct !  " 

Note. — This  must  refer  to  some  Cryptic  customs 
prevalent  in  the  Parabolist's  time.  But  I  do  not 
clearly  apprehend  what  connection  either  tickling, 
fly-flapping,  or  squeaking  can  have  with  Patriotism ! 
— H.  B.  J. 


Last  Words 

Here  conclude  the  Parables  of  Piljosh, 
together  with  the  present  volume.  That  the 
former  can  possibly  obtain  honble  mention 
when  compared  with  the  apologues  of  Plato, 
^sop,  Corderius  Nepos,  or  even  Confucius, 
I  cannot  for  a  moment  anticipate,  and  none 
can    be   more   sensible    than    my   humble   self 


THE  PARABLES  OF  PILJOSH     137 

how  vpry  poor  a  figure  they  cut  in  proximity 
to  the  production  of  my  own  pen ! 

However,  indulgent  critics  will  please  not 
saddle  my  unoffending  head  with  the  responsi- 
bility, the  fact  being  that  I  was  vehemently 
advised  that,  without  some  meretricious  pad- 
ding of  this  sort,  my  Romance  would  not  be 
of  sufficient  robustness  to  produce  a  boom. 

But  should  "  A  Bayard  from  Bengal "  un- 
fortunately fail  to  render  the  Thames  com- 
bustible, I  should  rather  attribute  the  cause 
to  its  having  been  unwisely  diluted  with  such 
milk  and  watery  material  as  the  Parables  of 
Piljosh. 

So,  leaving  the  decision  to  the  impartial 
and  unanimous  verdict  of  popular  approval,  I 
subscribe  myself. 

The  Reader's  very  obsequious  and 
palpitating  Servant, 

Hurry  Bungsho  Jabberjee,  B.A., 
etcetera,  etcetera,  etcetera. 


(1) 


MR.  STOCKTON^S  LAST  NOVEL. 


Kate  Bonnet. 

The  Romance  of  a  Pirate's  Daughter.  By 
Frank  R.  Stockton.  Illustrated  by  A.  L 
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"Just  the  book  to  make  a  dull  day  bright." — Baltimore  Sun. 

"One  of  Stockton's  most  delicious  creations." — Boston  Budget. 

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"  A  bright  and  entertaining  tale  full  of  exciting  incident." — London 
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A  Damsel  or  Two. 

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of  the  sailor's  life  and  adventures.  While  the  picturesque  enters  into  his 
book,  he  deals  also  with  the  stem  verities  of  fo'c'sle  life,  and  he  bringfs 
before  the  reader  strange  and  bewildering  phases  of  deep-water  adventuring 
which  will  lay  firm  hold  upon  the  imagination. 

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Life.     Illustrated.     i2mo.     Cloth,  S^-50- 

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Each,  MmOf  doth,  $J.50« 
Sirius. 

A  new  book  by  the  author  of  "Concerning  Isabel  Camaby"  and  "The 
Farrinj^dons  "  needs  no  introduction.  All  readers  of  the  best  fiction  know 
her  epigrammatic  quality  and  humor,  her  adroitness  in  the  suggestion  of 
character,  and  her  command  of  original  situations  and  unexpected  social 
climaxes.  Her  new  book  is  a  gallery  of  vivid  miniature  of  various  phases  of 
English  life.  Its  unfailing  interest  will  increase  the  author's  well-earned 
reputation. 

Cupid's  Garden.     With  new  portrait  of  the  Author. 

*'  Whatever  this  author  sends  out  has  freshness  and  originality,  and  her 
sketches  of  people  are  so  deftly  drawn  that  one  wonders  at  the  versatility. 
'  Cupid's  Garden '  is  a  collection  of  stories  of  love,  not  all  of  which  run 
smooth,  but  which  all  exhibit  some  noble  trait  of  the  tender  passion." 
~ -Indianapolis  News. 

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any  she  has  yet  sounded.  .  .  .  '  The  Farringdons '  is,  above  all  else,  a  procla- 
mation to  the  world  that  the  religion  which  Christ  brought  to  humanity  is  a 
living  power,  undiminished  in  strength,  the  mainspring  of  the  actions  and 
aspirations  of  millions  of  Anglo-Saxons." — New  York  Mail  and  Express. 

Concerning  Isabel  Camaby.     New   edition,  with 

Portrait  and  Biographical  Sketch  of  the  Author. 

"  No  one  who  reads  it  will  regret  it  or  forget  it." — Chicago  Tribune. 

"  For  brilliant  conversations,  epigrammatic  bits  of  philosophy,  keenness 
of  wit,  and  full  insight  into  human  nature,  '  Concerning  Isabel  Carnaby '  is 
a  remarkable  success." — Boston  Transcript. 

A  Double  Thread. 

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fs  genial  and  sympathetic  without  being  futile,  and  witty  without  being 
cynical." — Literature,  London. 


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A  STORY  OF  THE  PEOPLE'S  POWER. 

The  Eternal  City. 
By  Hall  Caine,  author  of  "The  Christian,"  "The 
Manxman,"  "  The  Bondman,"  "  The  Deemster," 
etc.     i2mo.     Cloth,  ^1.50. 

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"  One  of  the  very  strongest  productions  in  fiction  that  the 
present  age  has  been  privileged  to  enjoy." — Philadelphia  Item. 

**The  most  ambitious  wo.k  the  author  has  so  far  undertaken, 
and  may  be  regarded  his  greatest  success." — Cleveland  Plain- 
Dealer. 

"A  pow^erful  novel,  inspired  by  a  lofty  conception,  and 
carried  out  with  unusual  force.  It  is  the  greatest  thing  that  Hall 
Caine  has  ever  attempted." — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

"  The  praise  of  the  great  men  of  letters — Ruskin,  Collins, 
Blackmore,  Gladstone — who  hailed  with  delight  the  advent  of 
*  The  Deemster  '  and  *  The  Bondman,'  should  now  be  readjusted 
to  meet  present  exigencies,  for  Mr.  Hall  Caine  has  done  for  the 
myriads  of  his  English  readers  what  Walpole  did  for  a  smaller  yet 
not  less  discriminating  public.  .  .  .  The  true  Italian  spirit  of 
Onuphrio  Muralto  we  find  revived  after  many  years  in  *  The 
Eternal  City.'  " — Nezv  Tori  Times  Saturday   Review. 

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